To most five dates is nothing, but to the girl that usually runs those five dates mean everything.
I never thought we’d make it this far, but somehow we did – only now it could be over before it ever really started and the idea of not seeing where this can still go scares me.
I’m not afraid to get hurt, but I am afraid you won’t ever let me love you.
You deserve every piece of me and everything I have to give, even when you think you don’t. None of the others ever did – but you, stinker, are worth it.
Please know these aren’t the feelings of an insecure or desperate woman who’s clinging to something that isn’t there just because she can’t bear to be alone.
Four years of being single has taught me who I am, what I’m worth and who is worthy. And you are.
You’re an amazing father and an incredible man with a big heart, despite your inability right now to feel with it.
You respect me, are patient with me and have been there for me when I needed you. You’ve been more open and honest with me than any man I’ve ever known besides my father – which has taught me how to trust again.
That’s something I believed I was too broken to ever do.
With your help over the last few weeks, I was able to fix a part of myself I had thought was beyond repair.
I can never thank you enough for that.
When I’m with you, I don’t see someone who’s broken – I see someone who’s amazing. I wish, even if only for a moment, I could take away your pain so you could see and believe that too.
In other words I want to kick your PTSD in the balls. Repeatedly.
We unexpectedly came to a crossroads last week. Though we both knew reaching it was a possibility, my fear of getting hurt put us there too soon.
I panicked, and when I did I dropped your hand.
And as you walked one way, I turned and ran the other.
I knew shortly after that choosing the road that took me away from you was the wrong one. Even so, my time away from you gave me clarity – about you, about me, about PTSD and about us.
Your demons have forced me to push forward and be a better version of myself. While some of my old habits are still there, I’ve started to catch myself before they do too much damage.
I have to with you if I want this to work – because I know it will take two of us to get over some of the hurdles we’re up against.
I just hope my bought of insecurity last week didn’t cause you to give up on us completely.
When you told me you were still numb to me, it stung a little. It brought up painful memories of rejection from my past. Knowing you were able to feel something for another woman a few months ago, but haven’t been able to feel anything for me yet during our time together made me feel inadequate somehow.
I thought I’d seen signs that I was getting through to you, but the fact that I read your signs of affection wrong sent my emotions into a tailspin. I started to doubt my instincts and second guess that you and I were right for each other.
As I spiraled downward, painful scenes from previous relationships flashed before me. At that point my reactions were more about my past and less about what was going on between us.
In my moment of weakness I shut down, got angry at you, and ran.
Once I calmed down I thought about things rationally – and when I did it clicked it’s not me vs. another woman this time. That woman you opened up for wasn’t meant for you any more than me.
It wasn’t about better chemistry – it was about you being comfortable enough to let your guard down with her. I know for someone in your situation that can’t be rushed and could take more time.
We’ve only been dating a month.
Remembering that gave me the hope I needed to turn around and run back to the crossroads – but now you’re not here.
So I’m writing this letter to ask you to come back.
Don’t worry about the what ifs right now.
Meet me at the crossroads, take my hand and walk with me a little while longer.
We’re both worth it.
If we come to the corner of I fell for you and you didn’t fall for me, we’ll decide where to go when we get there.