If we sat on the back of the bus together would you prefer to A) hold hands? B) makeout? C) fingerblast? Or D) whatever I feel like?
That’s an actual message I received from someone on an online dating site.
I’m not sure if I should be ashamed or proud that I had to look up the meaning of fingerblast after I read it.
A few months ago I joined OKCupid with the hopes of getting my love on, though those hopes quickly diminished when I was greeted with messages from men like the one above.
While I’ve heard of people dating online and living happily ever after, I’m beginning to think I have a better chance of fingerblasting Will Arnett than that actually happening to me.
Here’s the thing… There are four types of men that contact me on a regular basis on online dating sites:
2- Insecure/Socially Awkward Freaks
3- Unattractive/Overweight/Bald Men That Are Over The Age of 45 (I’m 33 and not at all against dating an older man, in fact I’d prefer the maturity at this point, but I’m a hottie and if you’re unattractive/overweight/bald and over 45 you better have a rockin’ sense of humor and/or a gigantic penis if you hope to date me)
Most days when I login to read my messages on OKCupid I find myself wondering “What the hell were they thinking?”
Don’t get me wrong, fellas. I understand that coming up with a witty message to peak my interest isn’t easy, but for the love of bacon… leave your insecurities, perversions, fetishes and stalker-like tendencies in the closet til your third or fourth message to me. Otherwise I am just going to call you out publicly on my blog in this weekly series to entertain myself and my readers.
You’ve been warned.
Below are several messages I received on OKCupid that made me snort and cross my legs simultaneously.
These are actual messages and have not been edited by me aside from removing names. You can’t make this ish up.
What kind of locksmith makes keys for vaginas?
your so beautiful like a teddybear sliding down a rainbow into a pot of honey but when teddybear comes out its isnt stickey cause your so fucking sexy u make honey lose its stickiness
Hope all is well.
I told my mom that you are my girlfriend so we have to meet soon!
You are god awful pretty. You look like an actress; I’m sorry, I can’t place her name.
I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m not much good at dating sites. After all, if you spend a bunch of time on them (as I have since February) and aren’t spending it because you want to date a hundred different people, are an Internet troll or because you like being met with dead air when you spend a bunch of time thinking of better things to say than “Hi. You like cool stuff, and you’re purty. Let’s get coffee and maybe do it sometime.” (and no, dumbing it down to the above didn’t work either), chances are pretty good that your technique needs refinement. Either that, or you’re ugly.
I don’t know about ugly, but I’m not always so great at being refined. “Rough around the edges” isn’t even the half of it. I cheated and Googled your media company (don’t know whether people get points added or taken off for having research skills, but if it’s the latter, you might wanna take that off of “What I’m doing with my life”), so I have the option of reading what you say to the internets (I’ve poked around a little while writing this, but not a ton). In fairness, with that in mind, I’ll tell you that I’ve lived at mybigblackcock.com for about 12 years now. We all have our crosses to bear, I suppose. You say vagina, I say tomato.
Anyway, now that I’ve kind of opened up my brain and dumped it on your desk like I’m Ally Sheedy in “The Breakfast Club”, I’ll get to the point here: you have a nice smile, you seem like you might get it and while I’m not a huge fan of the Skrillexes you kids listen to (however, I did run into him in the Ace Hotel lobby about a month and a half ago, which was sort of like a cosmic accident), I’m sure we could probably make Pandora our bitch together.
Wanna get coffee sometime? We’ll worry about whether or not “doing it” is a topic of discussion we’d like to address from there.
Hey just wanted to say hello. So… I am trying to make this first message interesting, catchy and not sound like a big copy and paste…but
this is the hard part of all this online dating stuff just getting past the first email but after this its all fun… I thought about dropping some
one liners like this one: If you were the new burger at McDonald’s you would be the McGorgeous! but I held back… maybe Ill save that
for the next message lol but lets just leave it at this… I hope I made you laugh
And that’s why they’re single.