And That’s Why They’re Single: Volume Four

Online dating isn’t easy. Hell dating isn’t easy, PERIOD.

And it seems the older I get, the harder it is for me to find a quality guy to spend time with. Which is pretty fucking depressing since I’m only thirty-three.

That’s why I choose to make light of it here.

Over the last few months I’ve given you the female point of view as to why so many men who’ve joined online dating sites are (and will undoubtedly remain) single.

But yesterday I received an email that made me think I should probably share a man’s point of view too.

This reader probably didn’t intend for me to share the email here, and I probably could’ve written him for permission but that would’ve just been too right-wing for me, therefore I’m going lady balls to the wall and sharing it here with you without him technically saying okay, but giving him credit where credit is due.

Below are his thoughts on online dating, why women might be the cause of so many douchecanoes on online dating sites, and why mullets will always make a woman wet.

All kidding aside, his email made my day and did give me hope that there are still quality men out there who enjoy watching TV in their underwear just as much as I do.

I'm sure this isn't at all what "Brad" looks like, but it made me laugh my ass off thinking so.



I enjoy reading your blog from time to time – especially your adventures in online dating. I’ve had an online profile now for about 4 years and have similar experiences.  I got a kick out of ‘this is why you’re single’ posts; it’s given me some insight as to the other side of the coin.

Pretty sure online dating sites are overwhelmingly populated by men and a good portion of them are complete douchnozzles, much like in real life. OF COURSE I’m not one of them, I’m a good guy, completely suitable and ready for a good relationship with my soulmate.

Ahem . . .

But reading your posts reminds me of what I have to fight through in order to get my message across.  Sometimes the knuckdragging dipshits and creepy old bastards actually know nice guy language and can penetrate any anti-douchnozzlry power shield.  Inevitably when the meet does happen, the guy reverts to his baseline assholish behavior and once again, the gal has been suckered in by the stud muffin in an Ed Hardy tee standing next to his Electra-Glide – or the hairy chest, whitey tighty bathroom iPhone shot. I hear about these rapscallions from the gals who are gracious and kind enough to spend time with me after a few ‘let’s meet’ messages on Match.com.

I believe the problem isn’t the guy’s, it’s the women who actually accept this kind of chicanery.  There are the brainless floozies of course, but that stuff has worked on smart women at an astounding rate. If women keep accepting bad spelling, shirtless bathroom pics, abhorrent pick up lines, bird shit personalities and fuck-all attitudes, then this kind of behavior will continue with dogged regularity.

As a 49-year-old man, there are certain things I’ve had to accept.  I don’t look like Clooney anymore, I’m balding, my belly button is inching away from my spine every day and I’m not rolling in cash and property.  Additionally, I admit to actually snapping to attention when a Flomax commercial comes on. In the 80’s, I could mail it in because I was a chiseled stud with an incredible, completely awesome mullet. (Despite the cartoonish caricature of that or what anyone says, mullets were AWESOME back in the day- that shit totally worked.) Now I have to stick to my own ‘species,’ use my charm and wit, make sure my ear hair has been trimmed and chew with my mouth closed.  That hasn’t worked as well as I had hope it would yet, but hope springs eternal with every wink I send out to some gal way over my head.

Ladies, there are super cool, decent men out there who are actually interested in more than dropping trowel and doing a Lurch just because they bought you vittles.

Of course I’m writing this in my undies watching a Three Stooges marathon on IFC.

Happy dating Mely!




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Related posts:

  1. And That’s Why They’re Single: Volume One
  2. And That’s Why They’re Single: Volume Three
  3. And That’s Why They’re Single: Volume Two


  1. Bachelormum says:

    Did you get his number? Maybe he’s the one! He can use three syllable words and used to look like clooney – there is hope honey!

    1. Mely says:

      Haha! I’m not going to lie, I immediately fancied a date with him after reading his email. I’m a sucker for humor and men who “used to” look like George Clooney :)

  2. Penelopeinparis says:

    He had me at “rapscallion” and “chicanery”….

    1. Mely says:

      He had me at “Mullet” but rapscallions and chicanery were pretty impressive too. I’m sure Brad will be happy to read we’re currently swooning over his wit ;)

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