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Jul
30

And That’s Why They’re Single: Volume Two

They say a picture’s worth a thousand words. This one and a steady stream of pictures like it is worth about 700+ according to my friend Tara Dublin.

Like me, Tara is a single mom who decided to join OkCupid because online dating is what we thirty and forty-somethings do to meet other singles these days. Or so we’ve been told by our sadistic friends that it’s what we’re supposed to do.

Like me, Tara has been greeted by many single men on OkCupid — like the stud in the above picture — who are dying to take her on a dating “journey” which may or may not involve roofies and/or a miniature penis.

Like me, she decided to blog about her adventures in OkCupid.

Read. Now. You can thank her later…

 

I got an email from OK Cupid today that read “HEY [USERNAME REDACTED BECAUSE DUH], YOU’RE HOT!”

I am? Why, thanks! Please to explain, OK Cupid!

“We just detected that you’re now among the most attractive people on OkCupid. 

We learned this from clicks to your profile and reactions to you in Quickmatch and Quiver. Did you get a new haircut or something? 
Well, it’s working! 

To celebrate, we’ve adjusted your OkCupid experience: 

You’ll see more attractive people in your match results.

This won’t affect your match percentages, which are still based purely on your answers and desired match’s answers. But we’ll recommend more attractive people to you. You’ll also appear more often to other attractive people.”

I swear, I am not making this up. What the hell am I supposed to think about this: ”Oh good, I’m so glad they’re weeding out the Uggos just for me. So, until this point, it was this chick isn’t worthy of the really hot ones, but she is NOW” ?  Nothing makes sense to me anymore.

That’s super, OK Cupid. You get to decide what I should find more attractive, yet there’s no search thingie on your site to put in what things I find attractive. But, whatever, OKAY, OK Cupid.

So I signed on immediately, and you know what?

They LIE. There was no weeding of the Uggos.

Clearly, they don’t get my type just yet.

Another email from OKCupid:

“BoboPuppyhead is checking out your profile right now!”

Lucky me.

***************************************************************

So…online dating, am I right? *pulls at necktie*

My friend Matt Bors convinced me to take the plunge and join OK Cupid, because this is how people meet now. It’s not even been three full months since the breakup, but if I can look at shoes online and not buy them, I figured I could look at men on a dating website and not date them.

It’s a lot tougher to give up on the shoes.

From what I’ve seen (and, in some cases, it’s pretty remarkable that I’ve retained my eyesight), most of the men on these websites don’t seem to want to get a date in the first place. I mean, if they did, they would probably post better photos of themselves. Guys, what’s with the cellphone photo in the mirror thing? NO. STOP it. You have to know at least one other human being, right? Hand them your phone. Stand still. Smile. CLICK. There, now you have a photo of yourself that doesn’t have the reflection of a flash in it. Or, say, your toilet. Seriously, guys. Photo editing programs are available. Please use them.

If it’s not the mirror cam photo, then the guys are wearing a helmet, leaning on a bike in front of a mountain and a river at the same time. I get it. It’s Portland, you can ride a bike and go camping and spelunking and kayaking, woo. Except I’m more of an indoor girl, and camping? In the woods? With sticks and bugs and rain and wet ground and no flushing toilets? Pass. Also, I have learned that if the guy is wearing sunglasses in every one of his photos, it means he has at least one wonky eye. Hats in every pic = no hair (note: I don’t care if you’re balding, I care if you’re deceptive). If a profile has no photos, something is very wrong.

There was the very persistent guy without any profile pics who called me ‘feisty’, insisted he resembles Dave Grohl “a little”, and told me “we’d have a great time together.” Finally I agreed to let him email me a photo. I’m so relieved I have a dummy email set up that doesn’t have my real name on it, because this guy was like the scariest magician in the world’s worst traveling carnival. He had long black hair, a long black beard, and he was wearing a shiny red shirt under a black vest, and no thank you. Imagine Rob Zombie, 20 years older and 40 pounds heavier. Swooning yet? I was fairly certain his idea of  ”having a good time”  meant me ending up being sawed in half at the end of the night, and not in a hot sex kind of way.

Then there’s the cute 27-year-old (do the math, I could have been his mother were I a teen mom) who has washboard abs and wants to “worship me like a goddess”. This is what the younger generation thinks we want to hear, a Nicholas Sparksian version of real life where no one has ever had kids or cellulite. Also, 27? No and no and no. My former boyfriend is 13 years younger than I am. I need to skew closer to my age, if I’m ever going to do any skewing at all.

The married-but-never-getting-divorced guy. The long-distance trucker with the handlebar mustache and missing teeth. The 67-year-old looking for ‘companionship’. I am a magnet for the conflicted and strange.

However, no one can top the seemingly very normal 36-year-old guy who looks like he could be in a band and cites himself as “available”. However, I don’t think he understands the meaning of that word, because he’s married with a baby and a wife who won’t put out, but “lets him fool around”.  Suuure she does. His explanation leaves me feeling sorry for whomever this poor woman is, and when I tell him his situation doesn’t really work for me, he replies than I am “a victim of years of Christian repression.”

Yeah, I’M the problem here.

I’m not sitting around just getting messages from schmos, oh no. I’m ‘reaching out’ and not getting anywhere, too! Messages have been sent and not replied to, just like when I email people about work!  It’s not all that different from sending off queries to agents and being rejected based on personal opinion and nothing else! I’m so used to NO in every aspect of my life (even my sons say “no” to me more than anything these days) that I don’t know what I’ll do if one of the guys who’ve caught my eye actually replies with a YES.

Now is where I make a shocking admission: I really don’t think I’m ready to go on a date, anyways. Because, ugh. Having to start over with someone new and trying to show them who you are in the best possible light sounds exhausting to me. That place of comfort you get to after a long time with someone, which is something I think we all crave, is hard to replicate once you’ve lost it. I’m still in transition, and it’s very challenging.

I put myself out there, then I seem to disappear. My heart is kind of like the tides lately.

In the best of all possible worlds, I land a job and get all happy about that, and then I go on a date with someone. I’ve decided to be skeptically hopeful about both things.

 

And that’s why they’re/we’re single.

This guest post was originally published on Tara Dublin Online

 

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Related posts:

  1. And That’s Why They’re Single: Volume Three
  2. And That’s Why They’re Single: Volume One
  3. A-Hole Alert. Or Why Insecure Men Make Me Stabby.

2 comments

1 ping

  1. Natalie says:

    Hilarious! It is ALL so true too! That’s exactly why I’d rather be alone that take my precious time to “weed through these guys” one by one, disappointment after disappointment. I am enjoying my freedom. At this point in my life nothing compares that that!

  2. Bachelormum says:

    … I joined a dating site … And the rare attention I’ve got of late has been from women. I take it as a compliment but it’s not my thing … I just sigh and wait for another day, and ask myself, is this as good as it gets.

  1. And That’s Why They’re Single: Volume Three - Sex, Lies & Bacon » Sex, Lies & Bacon says:

    [...] And That’s Why They’re Single: Volume Two [...]

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