My head has been up in the clouds lately while I’ve reveled in what it feels like to be in love again.
Ben is the first guy that’s ever been good for me. He’s the first guy that’s ever been patient with me, and the first one that’s challenged me to face the parts of myself that I don’t like to help me change them.
He’s also the first guy I’ve not confused being in lust with for being in love with.
Ben isn’t my usual type, or at least what I thought my type was. And he’s definitely not the kind of guy typical of my dating history.
In other words, he’s not a narcissistic asshole.
I am in awe of the fact that I’ve fallen in love with him every single day. He’ll probably throw up in his mouth a little when he reads that, but it’s the truth. Every day, I am completely blown away that he is in my life.
Before falling in love with him, I had accepted that being single for the rest of my days was a very real possibility for me. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t sad about it; I was okay with it.
I knew it might be a very real result of my refusing to settle for another man that was anything less than AMAZEBALLS.
But falling in love with Ben has felt a bit like a dream.
I’ve known that we were dating and building the foundation for a kickass relationship, but it didn’t quite sink in that “Holy crap I’m not single anymore” until we discussed some very real shit earlier this week.
We met up with our kids last weekend to play hockey together, giving me another glimpse into our future as a couple.
Our kids meeting isn’t anything new. Before we started dating and were just friends, we once met up at a local park for a bitch session about our recent failed attempts at relationships while my son and his daughter played.
I remember the day clearly because it was when my feelings began to shift for him.
As I watched him interact with the kids, I realized what an amazing father he was. That quality was something I’d yet to see first hand in any of the men I’d been on dates with after my ex and I split – and after spending New Years with a man who told me too little too late that he didn’t want kids, it was something I wanted in my next potential partner more than anything.
When I revealed my shift in feelings to Ben back then, he had no interest in trying to date me. At the time I couldn’t understand why, but looking back now it’s all very clear. If we’d tried to become a couple back then, I don’t think it would’ve worked.
Fast forward to last weekend when we were all skating together and I was beaming from ear to ear. My heart was so fucking full of joy that night. The four of us in that rink together felt like home.
The sound of us collectively laughing, being silly and making memories, snapped me out of my dream-like state and made what’s happening with us more real.
The following day Ben brought up some more real shit I hadn’t really thought about.
“Say we work out, things are going to get complicated. A lot more complicated. Come time we move in together I can’t live up by you because of my job. You would have to move to me, making the current (visitation)plan you and your ex have when Aidan is in school more complicated.”
Don’t worry, he was sure to add the fact that he wasn’t thinking about us moving in together any time soon, it was just something he’d thought about.
“I’m not scared of things getting complicated because I know whatever comes up we just talk through it and decide what to do, and how to do it, together.”
Holy shit, did I just say that?
For the last four years I had a plan: Once I got my own place, I would raise Aidan where we were and I wouldn’t move anywhere until he graduated high school.
It’s been just the two of us for years and I honestly didn’t think I’d ever meet anyone amazing enough to make me want to change my plan.
I had dozens of reasons in my head for not wanting to move. I grew up in this town and know it’s a great place to raise a child. Aidan’s father has moved several times in the four years since our split and I wanted to be able to give Aidan more stability than that.
He also has friends here and my mother and stepfather literally live right around the corner.
We’ve built a life here.
But when I stopped to think about the future this week, I saw more than just Aidan and I.
I could picture Ben and I living together, and I could also picture the kids with us too.
It’s more than just Aidan and I now, because I’m not single anymore.
A life with Ben and the kids could be my future.
Scratch that. It is my future.
And then it was real.