It had been awhile since I’d uttered the words, “Best. Date. Ever.” and I certainly wasn’t expecting to during my trip to BlogHer in San Diego while surrounded by beavers and limited weiners. I can also honestly say I’d never experienced a perfect date before. You know, the kind you often see in the movies with surprises galore, where everything just works out, leaves you grinning from ear to ear and breathless by the time the night is through?
Well I finally had that perfect date during BlogHer 2011.
Only it wasn’t with a man, it was with a woman. And it wasn’t so much a date as an adventure that proved why two beavers (or more) are better than one.
We all know how catty women can be when grouped together, especially for long periods of time, so when I was approached by multiple single moms to share a room at the Marriott for four days during BlogHer I was apprehensive. First of all, I don’t normally get along well with women in real life. It’s rare that I find any that don’t annoy the shit out of me or that I don’t want to shank within five minutes of meeting them. Second, my original plan was to room alone because I knew from last year how much I appreciated the moments I had to myself, especially the moments when I had to poop, but when my financial situation took a turn for the worst I had to reevaluate. I knew canceling my trip to San Diego wasn’t an option because of my contract with Match.com to host The Kiss Our Sass Party, so I decided to room with three other single moms to save myself cash.
Call me crazy because two of them were complete strangers and the third I only knew well over the internet, but I took a chance cramming myself into a room with them and am so glad I did because those three vaginas completed me in a way no man ever has. Each of them taught me something about myself. Each of them inspired me in a completely different way. Each of them now owns a piece of my heart.
You all know about The Kiss Our Sass Party, but I haven’t had a chance to recap what happened afterwards. Anyone who has ever attended BlogHer will tell you it is insanely chaotic. No matter how regimented you plan to be, it never works out. I had an itinerary a mile long that I carried around with me and never even glanced at. I missed events that I RSVPed to and looked forward to. I didn’t get to meet all of the bloggers I planned to. That’s just how it goes when you’re on planet BlogHer. You wing it, or get drunk tryin’!
Truth: You could not wing it and follow your itinerary, but I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t have half as much fun as I did. Trust me. Wing that ish.
I opened my eyes the morning after The Kiss Our Sass Party, held my throbbing head, looked around my hotel room and saw this:
I won’t disclose if one of those bras is mine.
I then threw on some clothes and dragged my ass to the conference because there were sessions I just HAD to go to. Next year I’ll be more worried about making the breakfast than the actual sessions because I missed out on some serious bacon the morning of Day One.
Yes, I’m still bitter about that.
I spent the entire day at the conference like a good girl and then went back to my hotel room to shower (FINALLY. I forgot how hard it can be to share a bathroom with three other women) and get ready for the Swag Nation Party. My roommate Leila also had a ticket so we decided to head over together.
Our “date” started when I emerged from the bathroom and she declared I looked like “A BeetleJuice Cupcake.” At the time I half wanted to kick her in the lady balls, but looking at the side by side now I can see she’s totally right.
The only difference is if you say my name three times, I’ll come visit you and ask for an alcoholic beverage.
The Swag Nation Party was nothing special. Actually if I’m being honest it was totally lame. When Leila and I got there we got the LAST TWO drink tickets which means the next bitches that walked in had to pay for their booze. And the whole scene was just weird. It was way too branded and not enough fun. You even had to pay attention all day and do a scavenger hunt in order to solve a puzzle to get their swag bag, which only contained a t-shirt and a 2-pack of cake balls. Leila and I were lucky enough that one of the Swag Nation dudes took a liking to our vaginas and gave us the answer to the puzzle so we could taste his balls.
Basically we drank our beer, licked some balls and left.
Next up was dinner at Rockin’ Baja where we got a kickass seat on the patio to do some people watching. Really I should say people watched us as we sat lovingly side by side, seductively sharing a free Pina Colada that our waitress gave us because she fucked up someone’s order.
I’m sorry, that’s not seductive enough for you?
We also shared nachos, which were THE most amazing nachos ever by the way, while playing a game of “I would/wouldn’t do him” as people walked by.
Then Leila LET ME pick an entree for us to share. After running down the menu I decided on the “Dirty Tacos” not because they sounded that great but because the name completed the hilariousness of what was already transpiring: That we’d inadvertently been thrust into the perfect lesbians night out.
And when those dirty dirty tacos came, Leila fed them to me…
I’ll never look at a taco the same way again.
It was the best dinner date I’d had in a long time. I’m not even sure how we ate because we were so busy laughing.
After we were done causing erections along 5th Avenue, we headed over to Stiletto Media’s Kick Off Your Heels Party.
One word: AMAZING
This was one of my favorite events at BlogHer that didn’t involve getting shitfaced and dancing. Migdalia knows how to throw a party! It had all of the things women love: makeup, fancy cocktails, delicious food, a beautiful outdoor venue with a fireplace, and MASSAGES!
As soon as Leila and I arrived, we ran over to the open photobooth to take ridonkulous pictures.
Then we enjoyed our delicious pink stilletinis by the fire. Romance at it’s finest, people. Had she been a dude I’m positive we would’ve been making out.
What happened next only solidified the hilarity of how magical our date truly was when fireworks started going off as we sat next to each other on our love seat by the fire.
I know God was snorting over that one.
After the fireworks we had massages side by side. Yes, I’m totally serious. Unfortunately I was in too much awe to ask someone to take a picture of that for us.
Next up: Sparklecorn. Where Leila and I drank a fuckton of booze and humped a whole lotta cardboard cutouts to forget that we might be lesbians.
Despite all of the drinks, and how stiff Darth Vader was, I still managed to get her to come back to my hotel room with me.
In all seriousness, that night at BlogHer made me realize I don’t have to wait around for a man to go on the perfect date. I can plan one anytime I want with my fellow beavers.
So go get some!