It’s been a rough few days since he left.
It’s been a confusing few days…
It was romance to the 10th power, in a fast forward motion that sped through what would normally take months or even years in five wonderfully fucked up days, that has left me breathless.
It felt like magic; like the chemistry between us and our time together was something out of a fairytale – but the truth is maybe it wasn’t.
Really, when you thrust two similar people in need together to “play house” for a few days they’re bound to form a bond.
And bond we did.
I have a huge heart that is bursting at the seams with love to give. I share it with anyone I can without them ever asking because it is who I am, and it is what I do.
I give love where I see it lacking, willingly and happily.
When I looked at him I could see what pieces were currently missing in his life, and so without even thinking I sought to fill them with myself while he was here.
Sometimes it takes effort for me to do that, but with him it took none.
It is not often that a man gives that back to me, but he did. He filled every empty part of me with himself in a way no guy ever has during our time together.
I didn’t ask. He just did it.
And when our pieces clicked together, it felt like home to me – the kind of home I’d been searching for for the last few years.
The problem with this is that now that he’s gone, the spaces he filled are empty again.
The emptiness that I had become so used to being there – that I learned to live with and work around like a minor disability – is now raw and raging once more.
It sucks major donkey balls.
You might be thinking to yourself, “What the funk is the problem? Why can’t you two be together?”
There are several obstacles in the way.
One being the fact that he lives across the country.
Two being the fact that becoming a parent is not something he wanted out of his life right now – and I come with an awesome kid.
I knew these two things going into the time we spent together. Falling for him was the risk I was willing to take in exchange for finding out what us being together would be like.
I don’t know what he’s thinking right now.
I don’t know what the future holds.
What I do know is I deserve everything I want – which includes someone who wants to fit into my current family of two – because I’m worth a guy with similar values committing himself to me.
And I know it will happen if I’m patient enough. I caught a glimpse of what can be and I am willing to wait for it.
Maybe the lesson here is to only let men in that fit that criteria instead of taking risks and losing my breath…
But if I hadn’t taken the risk, I never would’ve learned I could love again.