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Dec
06

Enjoying The Ride

Bacon ride

I entered into my last relationship with anxiety – and rightly so given the circumstances. It was the first serious relationship I’d been in since my ex and I split. Plus, dating someone with PTSD probably wasn’t the smartest thing I ever did.

When a man flat out tells you he’s incapable of feeling anything for pretty much everyone and you decide to fall in love with him anyway, basing the future of your relationship on the hope that you might someday “break the spell” he’s under if you love him enough, is pretty fucking idiotic.

I saw the red flags early on, but I thought there was enough good stuff there to try anyway. Against all logic and better judgement I went in with my heart wide open because that’s just who I am.

In the end it got broken, but the reality is I saw it coming from a mile away.

A psychic even told me so during a reading I had done a month into my last relationship.

Yes, I got so fucking anxious about the situation I was in I turned to a psychic for answers.

As to your question if he will ever have feelings for you, I looked at
this a few times and kept coming up with a shade of gray. There was
nothing there.

SHIT.

At this point, I do not see him with you for a long
length of time. He is very closed off, it’s like his heart is locked
in a vault. Due to the pain he has felt, he is making sure
he never goes through it again.

Even after the psychic told me these things I still kept trying, though I probably should’ve walked away and saved myself a fuckton of anxiety and pain.

When you love, you go hard, you are all in. While he
sounds great and he may be good for you in so many ways.. Can you stay
with him without being loved back? Remember, he ultimately holds the
key to his heart and unless he hands you the key, it is what it is…

The psychic didn’t tell me all bad things. There were some other things that stuck with me long after my relationship ended.

Have you made
it clear to yourself and the universe what you are looking for in a
partner? It looks like you know what you want, but sometimes you go
another route.

You say you want an apple…but you keep
taking oranges instead of the apple. When you do that the universe will start to give
you oranges instead of those apples that you really want.

I do have a habit of being indecisive about which fruit to buy.

Clarify what and who you are looking for, be firm about it so
the question marks disappear. You are getting closer to the one
that is seeking you.

At the time of the reading I shrugged off the latter part of what the psychic said because I knew if I listened to it there was no chance my relationship would ever work out. The stubborn part of me was not willing to give up on us then, though I knew in my heart I deserved more than he could give me and everything the psychic was saying was right.

A month ago when I finally got over all the Ben shit I decided to sit down and write out everything I wanted in a partner to clear up those question marks the psychic mentioned once and for all.

I want someone to adore me; to hold me up on a pedestal and love me with all of their heart.

I’ve never ever had that before, though I continuously do it for the men I fall in love with.

I want my partner to be trustworthy, honest, bold, sensitive, compassionate, confident, affectionate, funny, loyal, passionate, romantic, great with kids, selfless, a good communicator, a great listener, an excellent problem solver, family orientated, willing to compromise, faithful, spiritual, driven, loving, a great cook, and amazing in bed.

Whew that’s one heck of a list of attributes, isn’t it? You didn’t think I was going to leave off the amazing in bed part…

Lastly, I want someone who accepts me for everything I am, including my not so great parts.

I tucked the list away and didn’t think much of it. With all the stress going on in my personal life I knew I had to stay focused. Dating was the last thing on my mind.

But then I got an email out of nowhere a few weeks ago from a guy I’d been flirting with online for quite some time. There was never much to our mostly innocent exchanges – a tweet here, a comment on an Instagram photo there – but I’d always felt drawn to him for whatever reason.

I probably would’ve asked him out on an actual date a long time ago if he lived closer, but he resides in St. Louis.

I’d tried a long distance thing¬†fling last year and in the end it didn’t work out that well for me so I’ve mostly averted my eyes from anyone who’s not within driving distance since.

But this man’s email was so incredibly sweet and came at a time when I needed it the most, I just couldn’t help myself from opening the door to the possibility of getting romantically involved with him.

With all the stress and chaos of Court related things I was and am still dealing with, it was so nice to have a little something special for myself.

It started with emails, then graduated to texts and phone calls, and this week we even had a FaceTime date. Without realizing it I’ve started falling for him, but the weird thing is I’m not even freaked out about it.

He calls me baby and it melts my heart.

He’s been there for me during some Court related meltdowns recently. It’s so fucking nice to have someone to lean on during one of the shittiest times of my life.

He is by far the most amazing man I have ever had the pleasure of getting to know.

The most incredible thing is he’s as into me as I am him and he’s not afraid to express it. I seriously thought emotionally available men were an urban myth. He sure proved me wrong.

For the first time in an insanely long time I have no reservations whatsoever about what I’m getting myself into, even though I probably should given the distance between us. Still, I don’t.

Right now I’m living in the moment and enjoying the time we have together. I know the reality is I could get my heart broken, and that eventually the distance between us could leave me incredibly sad, but I also know that heartbreak and sadness are a part of life and don’t last forever.

I also know that the happiness my heart is feeling right now would make any heartbreak and sadness in the future worth it.

I’ve literally been waiting to experience a relationship like this my entire life.

There are no games. There is no hesitation. What there is, is complete openness with one another and it’s truly AMAZEBALLS.

The difference between forming a relationship with someone whose heart is guarded or closed and someone whose heart is completely open to you is MAGIC. I know it sounds completely cheesy and gag-worthy, but it’s true.

I remembered the “dream partner” list I made today and pulled it out to look at it again. As I read it, I realized this man is every single one of those things I put on my wish list above, and probably more.

Thanks, Universe!

He’s coming to visit me next month and I seriously can’t wait to wrap my arms around him. What will happen after that? Who knows.

For once I’m not worrying about what the future holds.

Maybe you really don’t need a destination to enjoy the ride.

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1 comment

  1. Elizabeth Cole says:

    This is a really awesome feel good story. I’ve been that woman too who waisted time on men who weren’t into me. I realized I needed to let that go and be open to a connection to someone who feels reciprocal. Your story is relatable.
    I love the fact you made a list and it sounds like the universe was listening. I will do that. Thanks for sharing. I can’t wait to see how you and your new man progress. :) Hugs. Elizabeth

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