I’ve had one hell of a week.
So much, in fact, that I can’t even be bothered right now to find a topic appropriate picture to Photoshop a slice of smiling cartoon bacon into for this blog post.
Deal with it.
So there was my breakup with Ben – which, coincidentally, turned out to be the least of my worries since.
Shortly after I received something in the mail that rocked my world in a way very few things can, and the overwhelm of emotions I felt after reading it sent me into a tailspin.
There was a point where I literally could not breathe because it felt like my entire world was caving in on me. I hate to admit that here because I know who may read it and the thought of giving them any satisfaction over the most recent bomb they’ve dropped on my life make me ragey, but it’s the truth.
I’m human. I can only take so much.
I can’t go into details about what is going on in my personal life here, for there is a very real possibility it could be used against me in a court of law, but I will say that I have been forced to get a lawyer and make very tough decisions the last few days in regards to what is in the best interest of my son and how hard I am willing to fight for what he deserves – and that shit hasn’t been easy.
It’s scary. It’s overwhelming. It’s probably the most mentally and physically exhausting thing I have ever had to do – especially since I’ve been a bit fragile from the breakup. I’m not at my fighting best, that’s for sure. But I’m dealing with what I have to right now, moment by moment – breath by breath.
Sometimes that’s all you can do.
I think what’s made the last week even harder was not having my best friend to vent to during what very may be the most difficult time of my life. That’s what Ben became over the last three months – he wasn’t just my lover, he was my best friend.
I’d been doing this single thing for four years, and had convinced myself I was so strong that I didn’t need anyone. But then I let Ben in, and he became someone I learned to lean on.
It was so nice to not have to be so strong all the time – because I knew in the moments I was weak Ben was there for me in a way no one else has ever been. He has this way of calming me down when I need it, and a way of making me see situations without all of my emotions involved. He makes me feel safe.
Those are three of the biggest reasons why I kept fighting to try to make our relationship work. But since letting him go I kept a safe distance because I know we probably both need space to move on.
Only then I had an extremely hard day and in the midst of one of the most epic emotional breakdowns I’ve had to date, I reached out to him for help.
And guess what? He was there.
When I first texted him I thought it was a sign of weakness, but asking for his help was probably the smartest thing I could’ve done.
Maybe he can’t be my rock as a romantic partner, but this week he proved he can still be my rock as a friend.
I’ve never been more grateful to have a friend without benefits.