Heartbreak is such a craptastic emotion.
It makes you do and say things you normally wouldn’t – or at least that’s the case with me.
When it hits me I become erratic and irrational – feeling like I have to fight-or-flee to avoid actually dealing with the feelings involved to work through it.
And the physical pain of it – well that is the part I hate most of all.
When you love someone, you inadvertently remove a piece of yourself to make room for them in your heart.
The funny thing is you usually don’t even realize you’ve done it until the moment they’re gone.
It’s in the moments they’re no longer with you that you realize they’ve taken their piece that filled you back, and now there’s a hole that needs to be fixed.
Rational people know that the emptiness they feel is only temporary – and that eventually the aching will subside and life will be unicorns shitting rainbows again.
But like I said earlier, heartbreak makes me irrational.
In the midst of dealing with heartbreak I feel like the pain will last forever and so as soon as I feel it coming on I grab whatever I can to try and fill the hole in my heart.
It started the moment we said our goodbyes and consumed me for the two + weeks that followed.
A dull whisper that resonated through my brain and heart told me things played out exactly how they were meant to, but that whisper was all too often drowned out by the other responses my mind and body were having.
When I started to feel sad or angry, I shoved temporary solutions to avoid dealing with those emotions in front of myself.
Mostly in the form of alcohol.
Then one night I found myself unable to run anymore. The reality of the situation shouted at me and pointed its finger in my face – and when it did I had to deal with the heartbreak I’d been avoiding.
It hurt like a bitch.
But when I woke up the next day I felt okay.
Because in the midst of the tears that washed over me, my heart came to its own rescue to heal itself.
And when it did, the piece of myself that I gave away so willingly grew back.
My heart is one resilient M-Effer!
I feel whole again and happy again and I finally feel at peace with things not turning out the way my heart had originally hoped they would.
Our romance didn’t last forever, but I know our friendship will.