I’m a confident woman in most areas of my life.
This wasn’t always the case, but somewhere along my journey as a single mom I became self-reliant and realized my worth.
I’m pretty fucking amazing if you ask me.
I’m attractive. I’m assertive. I have a great sense of humor. I’m one of the kindest people you will ever meet. I’m down to earth. I have vision and the drive it takes to make my visions a reality. I live every day like it’s my last. I speak my mind unapologetically. I’m strong and resilient. I have a heart of gold and am more loyal than you could ever imagine. I’m honest. I’m passionate. I’m sexy. I’m intelligent. I’m sweet.
There’s no one else in the world like me.
I love every one of these things about myself and understand how unique and valuable they are.
So why is it that the moment I start to develop feelings for a man my confidence wanes?
I become this ridiculous, embarrassing, insecure version of myself, which then usually ends up completely turning off the man I’m pining for since that’s not what he was attracted to in the first place.
Or worse, I end up in a relationship with a narcissistic asshole. Because really, that’s the only kind of guy that wants to be in a relationship with an insecure woman. He likes knowing he will always be in control of her.
Maybe my insecurity in relationships stems from my very first heartbreak or the severe criticism in my last relationship. Maybe it goes deeper than that. I don’t know.
Regardless, it’s a part of me just like all of the things I love about myself.
Perhaps I should learn to love that part of myself too instead of constantly trying to hide it or fight it.
After all, I’m looking for the kind of man who loves all of me, including my insecurity, so I should too right?
If I’m lucky, someday I’ll meet a man who is secure enough to not use it against me, take my hand and help me work through it.
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7 comments
Velvet Milano says:
October 25, 2012 at 12:10 PM (UTC -4 )
This really struck a chord with me. I, too, am all those things you described, but the minute I start getting serious with a guy, I get insecure. I’ve been working through this in therapy. One thing my therapist said is that I’d have to find someone to look past that, work with me, and love me regardless. She said it would take someone special. I’m proof that there are still guys at there that will stick by you through all that. I’ve been in a relationship for 3 months now and my insecurity has shown his ugly self on more than one occasion. My man has been nothing but loving, supportive, and open to discuss it. I couldn’t be happier. So, hang in there! There are still guys out there that will love you through the insecurity and support you no matter what! xoxo…
Mely says:
October 25, 2012 at 1:52 PM (UTC -4 )
Wow. Thank you so much for sharing this. It’s nice to know that the kind of man I’m looking for does exist.
I pride on being strong and independent, but I know this particular issue will take two to overcome.
XOXO
Bachelormum says:
October 25, 2012 at 6:13 PM (UTC -4 )
I know that feeling well but have you ever thought of going for a man who,doesnt turn your life upside down NSF make you feel insecure about yourself because your afraid he will go? Have you ever thought of giving just a plain old nice guy a go, one who you know would be a stayer, who perhaps loves you just a bit more than him? I sat with three friends (all successful, gorgeous, creative and artistic), all happily in relationships recently at dinner and asked why they were in these cosy coupledoms and I’m not – each one simply said, he’s a nice guy … And they are, they’re all lovely interesting talented blokes who wanted to simply settle down with good women, like you, and like me.
Mely says:
October 25, 2012 at 9:39 PM (UTC -4 )
I dated a really nice guy last year and had a taste of what a treat it is to date one. Unfortunately he just wasn’t the right fit for me. He was also dealing with his own issues post divorce.
Even though it didn’t work out, it did help me see where I’d gone wrong in all my previous relationships. Dating him, even if it was short-lived, made me realize there really are nice guys out there and that I deserve one.
I’m talking to a really really nice guy right now. He and I click in a way I have never clicked with a man before and I truly believe he came into my life to help me heal all the parts of myself I have been unable to heal on my own.
He makes me feel safe and he is drama free, and if nothing else, he is challenging me to face my fears and work through my bullshit.
I feel lucky to have him in my life for however long it lasts.
Brad says:
October 26, 2012 at 9:26 AM (UTC -4 )
Let’s see, I’m insecure about my car, my apartment, my income, my debt, my thinning hair, my weight, my lack of sex, my ability to say the exact stupid thing at the exact stupid moment that makes me look stupid and makes her walk, my geek obsession for film, and insecure about sending messages to attractive women on online dating sites. I’m forever convinced that there are way better guys out there who have their shit together and I’m gonna have to ‘settle.’
I’m also funny, loyal, trustworthy, awesome, talented, smart, great cook, better companion, romantic, never cheated on a relationship in my life, non-vilolent and only drunk on occasion. I also say funny things when I burp. In short, I’m adorable.
You want what we all want, someone special to see through all our bullshit and stick around for a while. The thing I don’t understand is how something so simple back in the day has become an un-crackable safe.
Mely says:
October 26, 2012 at 9:55 AM (UTC -4 )
In short, I think it’s because people have become too egotistical.
“I deserve.”
“I want.”
They’re seeking perfection.
Shit, I am even guilty of it at times. Luckily I am now able to check myself before I wreck myself… Usually.
Also, chemistry is elusive. And without it, ya got nothing no matter how amazing you are.
This is our year, Brad. I have faith in us
We’re both going to crack the safe.
Maybe not forever. But long enough to get some good shit out of it.
Rachel says:
October 26, 2012 at 4:50 PM (UTC -4 )
Maybe you aren’t ready for a relationship yet? Maybe the man that can handle a stallion like you hasn’t come around yet. Ask yourself this: how empowered do you feel around the issue of life partner/significant other? I tried this with a friend this weekend and came out of it feeling the most empowered I ever have in my life—because I finally was able to say that I am whole, valuable and awesome all on my own. If I meet a man who deserves the very awesome business I have to offer, so be it. If I don’t, who the hell cares? I will still be whole, valuable and awesome! Email me if you want to talk it out.