I’ve been through countless highs and lows over the years, some of the lowest being in the last four.
Each time I get hit with a low my initial reaction is to wallow in it; throw a fucking pity-party for myself and the mess I’ve gotten myself into.
Because the truth is it is always MY choices that lead me there.
But then the real me kicks the scared me in the vagina and we both stand up and fight.
Because both of us know it won’t be like this forever.
As a single mom, I probably deal with more stress than the average person financially. My fellow single parents know what I’m taking about.
I’m sure singles who live alone might also struggle, but not in the same way. It’s a heavier weight on your shoulders when you are responsible for a child.
Feeding them.
Clothing them.
Making them believe that they’ll never have to worry about there being heat, hot water or food on the table, because they should never have to worry about such things.
It’s my job to ensure my son never worries about those things.
I made a choice back in July when I moved into my own apartment, and I knew what the repercussions of that choice might be.
I knew I was cutting it close financially, but I also knew it was time for me to take a leap of faith and venture out on my own.
I was on a major freedom high for awhile, but after a few unexpected expenses and treating myself to a few nights out with friends last month that I’d convinced myself I deserved, the repercussions have finally caught up with me.
So here I am at a low.
Struggling to buy groceries and pay my bills alone while my ex gloats about living it up with his girlfriend.
Yes I am jealous of him.
I want to be living it up instead of stressing out or sitting alone depressed in my apartment because I can’t afford to go anywhere.
I’ve worked so fucking hard to get where I am.
When is it my turn?
When will I stop financially struggling?
I know I’m destined for more, but I also know sometimes you’ve got to suck it up and do less to get to the more.
So I sucked it up today and I applied for 12 PT jobs at the local mall. With any luck I’ll get hired for one of them and work it around my FT job.
I’ll hate it and probably bitch about it, but the peace of mind will be worth it.
I’ll be that cliche: A single mom who works ’round the clock to make ends meet.
If that’s what I have to do right now, I’ll kick myself in the vagina and do it.
It won’t be like this forever.
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8 comments
Rachel says:
October 20, 2012 at 9:47 PM (UTC -4 )
I too am kicking myself in the vagina to be the best mom and woman I can be. It is often exhausting and overwhelming, especially since I never chose this life. I adore your blog and relate to oh so much that you have to say. I admire your boldness. I am back in school after eight years at home with kids, an ex who sucks at being a father and is still with the girl he cheated with. I have to pick myself off the ground, scrape myself up sometimes, almost everyday. But at nearly my one year mark, I am amazed that it is getting just a little easier. And I have hope and faith that this isn’t forever. Give yourself a swift kick to the vagina, remind your beautiful self that this isn’t forever and then get down to kicking ass and taking names. I will be doing it too—neither of us are alone.
Mely says:
October 21, 2012 at 9:42 AM (UTC -4 )
Thank you for reminding me I’m not alone… because sometimes when I’m sitting by myself in my apartment stressing it sure feels like I am.
We got this! XOXO
Bluegal says:
October 20, 2012 at 10:47 PM (UTC -4 )
Part-time jobs can be useful if you either work somewhere you already spend money (I worked at Barnes & Noble for this very reason) or if you work somewhere you plan to spend money (i.e. any place that sells stuff you want to buy, like Christmas gifts for your boy.) But I hear you…I’m kicking myself every day for buying a house when I would have been better off renting.
Mely says:
October 21, 2012 at 9:43 AM (UTC -4 )
Every place I applied to was somewhere I would spend money if I had it so hopefully that works out. Great advice! Thank you!
Brad says:
October 21, 2012 at 10:00 AM (UTC -4 )
Not having much makes you appreciate what you have and what you’re going to have when you finally get it. I ended my marriage swimming in debt, half of a mortgage on a house that I didn’t get to live in and the cherry on top of all of that financial fun was child support I had to take extra jobs just to pay.
Life is seemingly much better with a little extra cash, but I’ve found a lot of happiness when I ended the month with everything paid. Suddenly, that pocket change you find when you’re vacuuming behind the seat cushions takes on new meaning.
And I admire you for making those sacrifices for your kid – somewhat of a rarity these days.
Mely says:
October 22, 2012 at 10:53 AM (UTC -4 )
Oh Brad, Thank you. And your mullet
Nicole says:
October 21, 2012 at 8:13 PM (UTC -4 )
This is exactly how I’ve been feeling all week. I’ve been thinking of applying for some part-time jobs because my ex is slowly falling off the face of the earth (i.e. barely seeing our daughter) and I know that the little child support he does pay will go with him. I needed to read this. Thank you!
Mely says:
October 22, 2012 at 10:54 AM (UTC -4 )
You’re welcome. We all need a swift kick to the vagina sometimes.
We got this! xoxo