I’ve been through countless highs and lows over the years, some of the lowest being in the last four.
Each time I get hit with a low my initial reaction is to wallow in it; throw a fucking pity-party for myself and the mess I’ve gotten myself into.
Because the truth is it is always MY choices that lead me there.
But then the real me kicks the scared me in the vagina and we both stand up and fight.
Because both of us know it won’t be like this forever.
As a single mom, I probably deal with more stress than the average person financially. My fellow single parents know what I’m taking about.
I’m sure singles who live alone might also struggle, but not in the same way. It’s a heavier weight on your shoulders when you are responsible for a child.
Making them believe that they’ll never have to worry about there being heat, hot water or food on the table, because they should never have to worry about such things.
It’s my job to ensure my son never worries about those things.
I made a choice back in July when I moved into my own apartment, and I knew what the repercussions of that choice might be.
I knew I was cutting it close financially, but I also knew it was time for me to take a leap of faith and venture out on my own.
I was on a major freedom high for awhile, but after a few unexpected expenses and treating myself to a few nights out with friends last month that I’d convinced myself I deserved, the repercussions have finally caught up with me.
So here I am at a low.
Struggling to buy groceries and pay my bills alone while my ex gloats about living it up with his girlfriend.
Yes I am jealous of him.
I want to be living it up instead of stressing out or sitting alone depressed in my apartment because I can’t afford to go anywhere.
I’ve worked so fucking hard to get where I am.
When is it my turn?
When will I stop financially struggling?
I know I’m destined for more, but I also know sometimes you’ve got to suck it up and do less to get to the more.
So I sucked it up today and I applied for 12 PT jobs at the local mall. With any luck I’ll get hired for one of them and work it around my FT job.
I’ll hate it and probably bitch about it, but the peace of mind will be worth it.
I’ll be that cliche: A single mom who works ’round the clock to make ends meet.
If that’s what I have to do right now, I’ll kick myself in the vagina and do it.
It won’t be like this forever.