I looked in the mirror and barely recognized myself.
“What the fuck were you thinking?” I asked my reflection, while I stared solemnly at the woman looking back at me.
She was not who I wanted or planned to be, but after unintentionally running in another circle I’d found myself face to face with her again.
You see, I’ve stared her down before – that girl with the endlessly empty feeling inside. She thinks the attention of men and casual sex will fill the void and give her what she needs, while leaving her freedom in tact, but in the end those things leave her feeling emptier than before.
They also leave her disgusted with the men that use her for her body, and even more disgusted with herself for allowing them to when she knows she deserves so much more.
I fought hard to avoid running into that lost and empty girl this past year, but after my last few disappointments in love I ended up running right back to her.
It’s a vicious cycle.
When my ex left, I had nothing – no self esteem and no money. I have come so incredibly far in the last three years and I figured out how to do it without a man in my life. That’s GINORMOUS for the co-dependent hiding in me.
So after building a stable and happy life for myself alone, I’m terrified to really depend on anyone only to have them let me down like all the men before. Most days it just seems easier to continue going it alone when I know I can count on myself not being an asshole to me.
The romantic situations I have dealt with throughout my life have left it incredibly hard for me to trust men without borders.
Basically men have been real dicks to me -but I also allowed them to so it’s not all on them.
Every once in awhile I convince myself that falling in love is worth the risk of getting hurt, and so I open myself up to the possibility of it again by actively dating.
The problem is I mostly attract emotionally unavailable men and my subconscious likes it. It knows that by getting involved with one of these types of guys I’m still playing it safe because chances are they’re not going to commit to me and my freedom will remain in tact.
Without even realizing it or wanting to, I find myself emotionally invested in someone who has no intentions of pursuing a real relationship with me. We go on a few dates, I think they like me, we end of sleeping together and then it’s done and I’m left disappointed, angry and wondering why – at which point I convince myself dating is bullshit, I was wrong for wanting love and that casual sex is the way to go.
Then I find myself agreeing to something as degrading as being someone’s fuck buddy, and afterwards I’m left feeling empty again.
The cycle has gone on and on for the last few years but I’m ready to break it.
Having casual sex with my friend last week reminded me of who I don’t want to be and what I want – and what I want is more than meaningless sex without a connection.
That kind of sex isn’t for me anymore. I’ve outgrown it.
Was the sex good? Sure. But for me, it would’ve been a million times better if it meant something to both of us.
Sex shouldn’t leave me feeling empty inside and I know I enjoy it more if it’s meaningful – yet I can’t even remember the last time that I’ve felt a real connection with anyone while being intimate.
It’s been way too long.
And that’s why I’m making the next guy I date work for it. Hell I’m making myself work for it too.
I don’t think I’ll go as far as to take Patti Stanger’s advice of no sex before monogamy – I mean I’d like to take a guy for a test drive before I change my relationships status – but it’s certainly going to take more than dinner and drinks to get my pants off from now on.
I know I’m worth the wait, and the right guy for me is too.