Leveling up is a concept in games when a character experiences some sort of progression that usually involves unlocking new abilities, skills, access to new items, or as a benchmark of how far they’ve come.
Well last night I leveled the fuck up in self-love and I want some god damn confetti – because that shit was rough for me!
About a week ago an ex-boyfriend came back into my life. Though his reappearance was completely unexpected, I’ll be totally honest and say it was welcomed.
I’d really freakin’ missed having him in my life.
I’ll be even more honest and say that although his initial text was friendly, the moment it appeared on my phone a part of me hoped he’d contacted me because he realized what a mistake he’d made when he broke my heart and let me go back in August.
As our text exchange progressed this conflict began to brew inside of me over whether or not I should even be talking to him after everything that transpired between us.
When you date someone for a significant amount of time they become your best friend – then when the break up happens and you lose them, it feels as if you’re losing a piece of yourself too.
Break-ups are always tough, but ours was significantly harder on me since he was the first man I opened up to as a single mom. I hadn’t seen a real future with anyone before him.
It took a few months for me to let go of the fantasy of the happily ever after that I’d built up in my head, but eventually I moved on and as I did hindsight was 20/20.
I started to see a destructive pattern in the relationship and all the relationships I’d found myself in before it.
When it came to romantic relationships I ALWAYS sought out love from sources that were incapable of giving it to me. I wanted to know why, so I used the ending of our relationship as an opportunity for growth.
I started seeing a therapist, doing yoga, meditating and diving deeper in spiritual practices.
After a bit of soul searching I realized my life was lacking a whole lotta self-love and so I worked hard for months to fix that. I didn’t want to put myself in a position again where I was settling for a relationship that was less than I deserved.
Emotionally unavailable men = WAY less than ANY woman deserves
Over the course of five months, through trials and tribulations, I learned to accept my faults and flaws and realized even with them I’m pretty damn awesome. I also learned relationships are supposed to be containers for growth, not containers for proving how much pain you’re willing to endure for someone else.
Winning the custody battle I’d been involved in with my ex was the icing on the cake of my finally seeing myself as the kickass woman everyone else has. Having the courage to stand up for what I believed in and being brave enough to protect my son made me fall in love with myself in a way I never thought possible.
It changed me – but I didn’t really understand how much until I leveled up last night.
You see, the ex-boyfriend that came back into my life tried to convince me we could be fuck buddies.
Sweet pornographic baby jesus his words were tempting because the one thing he and I were ALWAYS really good at was the sex part.
He was the best lover I ever had and I’d never been drawn to anyone else the way he drew me in – BUT I knew myself well enough to know what would happen if I started sleeping with him again. The consequences that would eventually weigh on my heart and psyche weren’t worth the multiple orgasms.
Though I knew this, I was still conflicted because the sex was that good.
I spent a few days trying to convince myself that having sex with this guy could just be some really hot sex, but ultimately I knew the minute we started sleeping together the oxytocin would start flowing, all my old feelings would come back up, and I’d find myself falling in love with him again.
I assure you loving someone with PTSD who is incapable of feeling is no fun.
The more I thought about what was transpiring, the more pissed I was at him for even thinking about putting me in a position where I could get hurt again. If he cared for or respected me at all(and shouldn’t he after we had a three month relationship over the summer, and prior to that were friends for two years?!), he shouldn’t have gone there.
And then I got even more pissed when I realized this man I had once loved was willing to just use me for sex, instead of seeing me as a woman with a heart.
It was then that I mustered up all the self-love I had, walked away, and took the power I’d earned during the last five months back.
I even went so far as to tell him I could no longer have him in my life.
A few minutes later I realized I didn’t have to prove to this man I was worthy of anything by having sex with him or even being his friend – because I already know what I’m worth.
I’ve finally stepped out of proving myself, and into being myself.
Level up, bitches.
Now where’s my confetti?