Last night I spent the evening with three fabulous women I’ve come to admire, all for different reasons.
We laughed and talked for nearly three hours over delicious food and fancy drinks in New York City.
While a lot of different topics came up during dinner, most of the conversation focused on dating and relationships.
They talked about their love lives and I talked about my lack of one.
I was the only single woman at the table.
I try really hard not to allow myself to feel bad about my relationship status when I’m around coupled women. After all, being single is amazing and allows me the kind of freedom that their being in a relationship does not.
But there are times when it’s hard.
Like around the holidays when everyone on Facebook seems to be getting engaged.
Or like last night when I watched the other women’s faces light up as they talked about being in love.
Or when I spotted a couple drunkenly kissing outside a bar while I walked to the subway after dinner.
Those are the moments tears spring to my eyes and I fall victim to pangs of jealousy – wondering why they get to feel that kind of magic and why at the moment I do not.
Truthfully, I’m quite starved for physical affection. It’s been almost a year since I’ve slept with a man. Right now I can’t even recall the last time that I kissed one.
It’s not that I can’t find anyone to do either of these things with. I’ve just been saving myself for someone or some moment that was special because I wanted the next time around to be right – for HIM to be right.
But I think my waiting for Mr. Right might be wrong.
Over dinner last night one of the women explained how she used to go about dating in the form of a Starfish – meaning at any given time before she found “Mr. Right” she’d been dating five different men.
Each man served a different purpose and fulfilled one of her needs.
She had one that pleased her physically(This is the only one of them she slept with). One that made enough money to treat her to nice things. One that she could laugh and be silly with. One that was sensitive and affectionate. And one that felt more like a really great friend.
She smiled as she talked about how much fun she used to have dating – meeting and spending time with the different men that completed her Starfish. None of these men were exactly what she was looking for individually, but together they made her perfect man.
All I could think as she spoke was how I’ve never considered dating fun.
EVER.
But maybe that’s because I’ve been setting myself up for disappointment by waiting for Mr. Right, holding out for lasting love, and refusing to go on first or second dates with any man that doesn’t seem to be everything I’m looking for.
When I go on a first date with the expectation that the person I’m sitting across from should be Mr. Right, I feel defeated at the first sign he isn’t, completely tuning out all of his great qualities just because he’s not “perfect” for me.
The truth is I’m probably missing out on a lot of good times and good men by only dating for my next big love – when what I really should be doing is dating for fun.
I’m a happy person. All I ever really want to do is laugh and joke and smile and enjoy my life. I’m sure that comes across loud and clear on this blog.
So why am I always so freaking serious when it comes to dating?
My fear of getting attached and abandoned again, that’s why.
But this is another reason why dating to fill your Starfish is a great idea – while enjoying the company of multiple men that each have something unique to offer you, you’re not waiting around pining for one, getting too emotionally attached and clingy, or wondering why they didn’t call, because you have other dates to look forward to.
Sign me the funk up for that shit!
In theory this sounds amazing since the whole issue I have with dating is getting too attached too quickly when sparks fly, but whether I’m capable of not feeling guilty about sharing parts of myself with multiple men remains to be seen.
So let’s make a deal, readers.
I’m going to set myself up for a challenge in the New Year to test this theory by going on at least one date per week in search of the five men that make up my own personal Starfish, and your job is to hold me accountable by coming along for the ride here on my blog.
If I happen to find the “Mr. Right” that has everything I’m looking for along the way, so be it, but that’s not my intention.
What IS my intention is to start dating for fun, instead of forever, to answer the question of whether multiple dates are really better than one.
Stay tuned…
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11 comments
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Nicole says:
December 11, 2012 at 7:50 PM (UTC -4 )
Good luck, mama. I’ve just started dating after my divorce, and I think I’m now so in tune with my gut and what I’m looking for in Mr. Forever that I automatically eliminate a man from a second date if he is not The One. But, just like first dates, second dates don’t mean you are settling down. I don’t know if I could circulate five men, though, as a single mom. I barely have time to hang out with more than one friend a week never mind multiple men. Good luck!
Mely says:
December 12, 2012 at 8:13 AM (UTC -4 )
Going on one date a week will definitely be a challenge for me since my schedule is so hectic, but I’m willing to figure it out in the name of fun!
I certainly won’t waste my time, or the time of the other person involved, if they don’t have any of the qualities I’m looking for. I think being honest upfront about not wanting anything serious at the moment will be key for me.
If I’m lucky, maybe a few of the men will have more than one quality I’m looking for and will account for more than one leg on my “Starfish”…
What have I gotten myself into?!
Brad says:
December 12, 2012 at 1:28 AM (UTC -4 )
How do you feel about slightly balding, slightly portly, slightly middle aged, slightly underfunded Midwestern dudes with no house and drive a non-descript Toyota POS? Housebroken too. Loves funk music, bourbon and hockey.
Just putting that out there. . .
Mely says:
December 12, 2012 at 8:16 AM (UTC -4 )
Haha! If you’re ever in NJ, let me know
I’m pretty sure even if there was no romantic connection on our date, we’d laugh our asses off being sarcastic and using big-ish words…
Plus your mullet is sure to be a HUGE source of entertainment for me…
Brad says:
December 12, 2012 at 10:00 AM (UTC -4 )
You’re gonna have to hook up with Doc Brown and Marty and fire up the flux capacitor to get the hockey cut, friend. I’d look like Ben Franklin if I tried the mullet these days.
Velvet Milano says:
December 17, 2012 at 12:41 PM (UTC -4 )
Actually what you described is EXACTLY what worked for me. I went on dates where after the first one I was unsure if the guy was going to be my Mr. Right. I changed my attitude and decided what do I have to lose, really? I dated multiple guys and had lots of fun with it. One of those turned out to be my Mr. Right after I allowed a 2nd date to happen after some prodding from him. He was persistent and again, I had nothing to lose.
I feel very blessed to have him in my life. I never thought I’d be treated like this..he is the absolute best! So, try this out. I’m guessing you don’t have much to lose either and might have one great guy to gain! Or you can make lots of new guy friends.
Good luck!
Paul says:
December 18, 2012 at 5:25 PM (UTC -4 )
Seriously, the starfish thing seems like one of the cruelest, most selfish things I’ve ever heard. Yes, you should do everything you can to have a fun, fulfilling dating experience, but hopefully you will be more considerate to the feelings of men that you date. They aren’t all the after-one-thing stereotypes that romantic comedies make them out to be, and being lead on and essentially used for one quality is a time waster and extremely unfair.
Mely says:
December 18, 2012 at 6:12 PM (UTC -4 )
See this is exactly why I’ve never had fun dating; as i was always of the mentality that if I dated more than one person at a time, they’d feel like I was “using” them.
This isn’t about using anyone. It’s about appreciating different qualities in different people instead of writing them off in the beginning. I’m certainly not going to go around using a man that I am not at all interested in.
What I’m saying that is if a man has at least one of the qualities I’m looking for than I should give him a chance and spend time with him instead of tossing him to the side because he doesn’t have ALL the qualities I’m looking for.
I don’t think it’s leading anyone on if a woman is honest in the beginning that she is open to dating but not looking for a serious commitment right now.
Then it’s the man’s choice whether or not he can handle that without feeling used.
In other news, you sound like a very nice guy Paul and I’m sorry if it came across that I was planning to use men or that it is ever OK to use one, because it’s not.
Tania says:
December 25, 2012 at 9:47 PM (UTC -4 )
Yes I think in 2013 I am going to try to date more but go into more casually and without putting so much pressure on it. Just trying to enjoy it and have fun.
Chuck says:
February 20, 2013 at 8:13 AM (UTC -4 )
I had this same idea today but I was thinking that I should challenge myself to find 10 women.
toywithme says:
March 6, 2013 at 3:03 PM (UTC -4 )
I’m liking this starfish theory. Personally I’m not sure I’m ready for dating yet, but it will be fun to see how you make out with this little experiment. Here’s hoping you have a blast doing this and meet some awesome people during the process.
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[...] « Men Are Like Orgasms: Why Multiple Dates Are Better Than One [...]
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