Last night I spent the evening with three fabulous women I’ve come to admire, all for different reasons.
We laughed and talked for nearly three hours over delicious food and fancy drinks in New York City.
While a lot of different topics came up during dinner, most of the conversation focused on dating and relationships.
They talked about their love lives and I talked about my lack of one.
I was the only single woman at the table.
I try really hard not to allow myself to feel bad about my relationship status when I’m around coupled women. After all, being single is amazing and allows me the kind of freedom that their being in a relationship does not.
But there are times when it’s hard.
Like around the holidays when everyone on Facebook seems to be getting engaged.
Or like last night when I watched the other women’s faces light up as they talked about being in love.
Or when I spotted a couple drunkenly kissing outside a bar while I walked to the subway after dinner.
Those are the moments tears spring to my eyes and I fall victim to pangs of jealousy – wondering why they get to feel that kind of magic and why at the moment I do not.
Truthfully, I’m quite starved for physical affection. It’s been almost a year since I’ve slept with a man. Right now I can’t even recall the last time that I kissed one.
It’s not that I can’t find anyone to do either of these things with. I’ve just been saving myself for someone or some moment that was special because I wanted the next time around to be right – for HIM to be right.
But I think my waiting for Mr. Right might be wrong.
Over dinner last night one of the women explained how she used to go about dating in the form of a Starfish – meaning at any given time before she found “Mr. Right” she’d been dating five different men.
Each man served a different purpose and fulfilled one of her needs.
She had one that pleased her physically(This is the only one of them she slept with). One that made enough money to treat her to nice things. One that she could laugh and be silly with. One that was sensitive and affectionate. And one that felt more like a really great friend.
She smiled as she talked about how much fun she used to have dating – meeting and spending time with the different men that completed her Starfish. None of these men were exactly what she was looking for individually, but together they made her perfect man.
All I could think as she spoke was how I’ve never considered dating fun.
But maybe that’s because I’ve been setting myself up for disappointment by waiting for Mr. Right, holding out for lasting love, and refusing to go on first or second dates with any man that doesn’t seem to be everything I’m looking for.
When I go on a first date with the expectation that the person I’m sitting across from should be Mr. Right, I feel defeated at the first sign he isn’t, completely tuning out all of his great qualities just because he’s not “perfect” for me.
The truth is I’m probably missing out on a lot of good times and good men by only dating for my next big love – when what I really should be doing is dating for fun.
I’m a happy person. All I ever really want to do is laugh and joke and smile and enjoy my life. I’m sure that comes across loud and clear on this blog.
So why am I always so freaking serious when it comes to dating?
My fear of getting attached and abandoned again, that’s why.
But this is another reason why dating to fill your Starfish is a great idea – while enjoying the company of multiple men that each have something unique to offer you, you’re not waiting around pining for one, getting too emotionally attached and clingy, or wondering why they didn’t call, because you have other dates to look forward to.
Sign me the funk up for that shit!
In theory this sounds amazing since the whole issue I have with dating is getting too attached too quickly when sparks fly, but whether I’m capable of not feeling guilty about sharing parts of myself with multiple men remains to be seen.
So let’s make a deal, readers.
I’m going to set myself up for a challenge in the New Year to test this theory by going on at least one date per week in search of the five men that make up my own personal Starfish, and your job is to hold me accountable by coming along for the ride here on my blog.
If I happen to find the “Mr. Right” that has everything I’m looking for along the way, so be it, but that’s not my intention.
What IS my intention is to start dating for fun, instead of forever, to answer the question of whether multiple dates are really better than one.
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