I’ve never been cherished by a man. And that’s bullshit.
But it’s also my own damn fault.
I always choose the wrong guy to give my heart to.
He’s emotionally unavailable and cocky. He’s more attracted to me for my body than who I am. And he’s never looking for a relationship – in fact he may flat out tell me so, but because there is stupidity engrained somewhere in my estrogen I think I will be the one to change that.
It is because I still don’t trust myself to choose the right man that I’ve forced myself to remain single for the last few years.
Technically.
While my relationship status has been single, I did fall for someone. Someone who was not right for me. Someone who came along at a time in my life when I was vulnerable. And boy did I fall hard.
I thought I’d learned enough about life, love and myself after becoming a single mom to see the man I met for who he was and not who I wanted him to be. I thought I had enough self-confidence to walk away when there were warning signs and never look back.
But I didn’t. Even worse… I’d somehow convinced myself it was okay since this man and I weren’t technically in a relationship. I never got to call him mine, though I believed his heart was even without the title of boyfriend.
While I’d had my suspicions that I was not the only person he was intimate with I never asked him about it. I didn’t think it was fair to since we weren’t technically in a relationship. Plus after all I had been through with my ex, I didn’t want to know. I didn’t want to believe that I couldn’t trust him with my body or my heart. I didn’t want to believe that I’d been stupid enough to fall for another man that disappointed me.
And even if he was intimate with other people I told myself it didn’t matter since he always came back to me.
I wanted so badly to believe that he loved me I closed my eyes to all the signs that were right in front of me and put my hands over my ears when he told me he was not my answer.
Instead I replaced the reality of our relationship with a fantasy because I didn’t want to deal with getting hurt.
For two years I closed my eyes to fantasize about how amazing our relationship could be once I’d convinced him that I was good enough for him.
Yes, you heard that right. I was trying to convince him.
Already fabulous, amazing, strong, courageous, funny and sexy ME was trying to prove myself to HIM. If he was the right guy it would’ve been the other way around.
I’m going to tell you all a secret: I LOVE being single, but I’d still love to know what it feels like to be cherished by a man.
I think every woman deserves that at least once in her life.
I’m finally learning I’m the only person who can make that happen by letting go of fantasies and coming back to reality.
Because the reality is there is a great guy out there for me, but if my eyes aren’t open I’ll never be able to see him.
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5 comments
Simone W. says:
September 19, 2012 at 11:11 PM (UTC -4 )
“I’d still love to know what it feels like to be cherished by a man…I think every woman deserves that at least once in her life.” I completely agree!
Bachelormum says:
September 20, 2012 at 3:16 AM (UTC -4 )
Well sounds like all yr alarm bells will be on next time you meet a guy you like so that you run like hell at the first sign of a commitment-phobic, two-timing, vice-laden fellow. Just trust that you will/can be attracted to a good bloke who is there for the long haul – perhaps you are afraid of that, but don’t be, you’ve already been through the ringer, just trust you. x
ReRee says:
September 20, 2012 at 10:27 AM (UTC -4 )
GAAAHHH!!! Why do I feel like you’re reading my mind? Thank you for always being so open, self awareness is not easy and its so encouraging to hear others who are going through the same things. I’ve only gotten to know you this past year, and even in that small period the amount of strength and ginormous strides you’ve taken in your life give me such admiration and inspiration. Your ‘perfect’ someone who comes along, is one lucky bastard cause he’s going to catch the best version of Mely
make him work for it!! xoxo
Mely says:
September 20, 2012 at 10:42 AM (UTC -4 )
I wrote this post last night…
Then came across this article today on “How To Stop Repeating Past Mistakes In Love.”
I can’t help but think it’s the Universe reassuring me that I’m on the right path.
http://evolvingwisdom.com/artoflove/blog/how-to-stop-repeating-past-mistakes-in-love/
XOXO to you all!
Sheba Parveez says:
September 20, 2012 at 3:25 PM (UTC -4 )
You, my friend, deserve to be worshiped & I know you know that because you constantly remind all the rest of us that we deserve it, too. I heard something on the radio last night that applies here: give yourself the advice you’d give a good friend and only criticize yourself the way you would a good friend. You wouldn’t say, “How could you be so stupid?” or “Disappointing men are the best you can hope for so just accept it.” You’d say what you ended this post on: hope and support. I hope you let that good, kind, intelligent friend I’ve come to know be a comfort and source of strength to your own still-healing heart. Xoxox