Back To Life. Back To Reality.

Stress with Bacon

Coping occurs in response to psychological stress, often triggered by dramatic life changes.

Basically it’s a survival instinct.

People find ways to cope with stressful situations in an effort to maintain their sanity and emotional well-being.

I haven’t just been dealing with psychological stress the last few months during this insanely drawn out custody battle with my ex - I’ve been drowning in it.

The night before I had to face my ex for the first time in Court back in November, I thought I might have a heart attack.

I don’t think most people realize what a custody battle is like. It’s not just a Court date here or there. It’s reading letters upon letters from lawyers when you least expect them, often coupled with bombs dropped from one party or the other as a method of intimidation.

It gets freaking ugly.

When a custody battle is drawn out with no resolution and egos inevitably get involved, so much hate is built up it’s frightening.

Trying to shield my child from that has just been another added layer of stress for me.

I’m not telling you this for sympathy because I don’t want that at all – although it’s been difficult I’ve also grown as a person and become a stronger woman because of this.

But there are days even the strongest woman throws up her hands and temporarily loses her shit.

On some of those days I prayed for a reprieve so I might keep my sanity through this process. And the reprieve eventually did come in the form of a kind hearted man that showered me with attention and showed me what it was like to be adored.

How lovely that’s been, but what I hadn’t realized was that diving into an intense romance over the last few weeks was also a way for me to avoid dealing with the stress in my life.

People cope with stress in different ways. Obviously some ways are healthier and more effective than others.

There are things called active coping strategies, which my therapist often urges me to participate in, where one focuses on tackling stress rather than avoiding it.

Of course, because I’m human I don’t always listen to her. I mean, avoidance takes a lot less energy right?

That brings me to the subject of avoidant coping – where you ignore your issues, and instead engage in activities that aid in the denial of them.

Engaging in avoidant coping doesn’t necessarily mean you’re a dumbass or even an asshole – It can happen to the best of us.

The bad part is you don’t usually realize you’re doing the wrong kind of coping until after the fact. Either someone else calls you out on it like your therapist, or you have some sort of AHA moment yourself where it clicks.

It wasn’t until recently that I realized completely immersing myself in my version of a modern day fairytale wasn’t the healthiest way to cope with my stress.

In doing so I started to lose myself in another person(Why oh why do I repeatedly do that in romantic relationships?!), which also caused me to lose focus on some things that are truly important to me.

But learning that I’ll be facing my ex alone next week without a lawyer quickly brought me back to reality.

The reality of heading back to Court again next week has forced me to come up with a rational plan of action to deal with the situation at hand in a less ego driven way.

Neither one of us will have lawyers – a judge has ordered we give Court facilitated mediation, just the two of us, one last try next week before heading to trial.

This is my last shot to try to convince my ex to end this thing before my son gets dragged into it – a judge has also ordered a best interest evaluation if we can not settle next week.

Having my 8-year-old son interviewed by the Court is the last thing I want.

I will have to be stronger than I’ve ever been in that mediation room next week.

I’ll have to put all of the negative feelings I’ve developed for my ex through this nasty custody battle aside – because this really is not about he and I, it’s about the well-being of the child we created together.

Anger, fear, sadness – none of those things can sway me from what is important in that room. I will need to concentrate on what is best for my son, no matter what I am feeling.

It will surely be a defining moment in my life.

But I know now without a doubt I’m strong enough to do it – as long as I stay focused.

Back to life. Back to reality.

Because my boy needs me.

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This Is It

bacon gavel

I’m sitting here at my desk pretty close to hyperventilating as I type this. Tears are streaming down my face and the raw, honest truth is that in this moment I am fucking terrified – yet I know I have to find my breath and my strength for my son and for my family.

So I’m typing the anxious thoughts out of my head. Because writing is my greatest strength, I’m hoping once I hit publish on this blog post I’ll have worked my way through the panic and gotten my mojo back.

Wednesday I will be headed to court to battle my ex in order to keep residential custody of my son. It’s insane to me that this is even happening, but it is.

I didn’t start this. I didn’t want this. And all I can do is buckle up and hope I survive the ride.

I’m not afraid I will lose, because in a way I’ve already won. My ex already had to back down from his original demands knowing full well he would not get them.

That’s what happens when you underestimate your opponent, and he surely underestimated me.

While I’m confident a judge will shoot down his latest proposal, anything can happen. But if losing a few hours with my son every other Sunday is the worst thing that could happen when I walk out of that court room Wednesday, I’m ok with that too.

Because I’ve already won half the battle even if I don’t win the war. I stood up to a man that used to intimidate me, and because I stood up he now knows I can’t be bullied anymore.

So what am I so terrified of then? Words.

Sitting in that court room Wednesday and listening to whatever bullshit claims my ex and his witnesses make about me as a mother will be one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. It’s been hard enough reading accusations over and over again on paper while rifling through legal documents the last three months, but hearing them out loud and giving them an actual voice?

Fuck that shit.

Those words will surely ring in my ears again and again and again if I don’t figure out how to ignore them – and I know all too well that my ex’s words are capable of taking me to a very dark place.

It took me months to climb out of the dark after our separation nearly five years ago, and I don’t want to ever find myself there again.

So I have to be strong and cover my ears. And I have to remember that even if I overhear some of the things they say through my ear muffs, their words do not define me.

I’m not perfect, but I’m enough.

Breathe. It will all be over soon.



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Enjoying The Ride

Bacon ride

I entered into my last relationship with anxiety – and rightly so given the circumstances. It was the first serious relationship I’d been in since my ex and I split. Plus, dating someone with PTSD probably wasn’t the smartest thing I ever did.

When a man flat out tells you he’s incapable of feeling anything for pretty much everyone and you decide to fall in love with him anyway, basing the future of your relationship on the hope that you might someday “break the spell” he’s under if you love him enough, is pretty fucking idiotic.

I saw the red flags early on, but I thought there was enough good stuff there to try anyway. Against all logic and better judgement I went in with my heart wide open because that’s just who I am.

In the end it got broken, but the reality is I saw it coming from a mile away.

A psychic even told me so during a reading I had done a month into my last relationship.

Yes, I got so fucking anxious about the situation I was in I turned to a psychic for answers.

As to your question if he will ever have feelings for you, I looked at
this a few times and kept coming up with a shade of gray. There was
nothing there.


At this point, I do not see him with you for a long
length of time. He is very closed off, it’s like his heart is locked
in a vault. Due to the pain he has felt, he is making sure
he never goes through it again.

Even after the psychic told me these things I still kept trying, though I probably should’ve walked away and saved myself a fuckton of anxiety and pain.

When you love, you go hard, you are all in. While he
sounds great and he may be good for you in so many ways.. Can you stay
with him without being loved back? Remember, he ultimately holds the
key to his heart and unless he hands you the key, it is what it is…

The psychic didn’t tell me all bad things. There were some other things that stuck with me long after my relationship ended.

Have you made
it clear to yourself and the universe what you are looking for in a
partner? It looks like you know what you want, but sometimes you go
another route.

You say you want an apple…but you keep
taking oranges instead of the apple. When you do that the universe will start to give
you oranges instead of those apples that you really want.

I do have a habit of being indecisive about which fruit to buy.

Clarify what and who you are looking for, be firm about it so
the question marks disappear. You are getting closer to the one
that is seeking you.

At the time of the reading I shrugged off the latter part of what the psychic said because I knew if I listened to it there was no chance my relationship would ever work out. The stubborn part of me was not willing to give up on us then, though I knew in my heart I deserved more than he could give me and everything the psychic was saying was right.

A month ago when I finally got over all the Ben shit I decided to sit down and write out everything I wanted in a partner to clear up those question marks the psychic mentioned once and for all.

I want someone to adore me; to hold me up on a pedestal and love me with all of their heart.

I’ve never ever had that before, though I continuously do it for the men I fall in love with.

I want my partner to be trustworthy, honest, bold, sensitive, compassionate, confident, affectionate, funny, loyal, passionate, romantic, great with kids, selfless, a good communicator, a great listener, an excellent problem solver, family orientated, willing to compromise, faithful, spiritual, driven, loving, a great cook, and amazing in bed.

Whew that’s one heck of a list of attributes, isn’t it? You didn’t think I was going to leave off the amazing in bed part…

Lastly, I want someone who accepts me for everything I am, including my not so great parts.

I tucked the list away and didn’t think much of it. With all the stress going on in my personal life I knew I had to stay focused. Dating was the last thing on my mind.

But then I got an email out of nowhere a few weeks ago from a guy I’d been flirting with online for quite some time. There was never much to our mostly innocent exchanges – a tweet here, a comment on an Instagram photo there – but I’d always felt drawn to him for whatever reason.

I probably would’ve asked him out on an actual date a long time ago if he lived closer, but he resides in St. Louis.

I’d tried a long distance thing fling last year and in the end it didn’t work out that well for me so I’ve mostly averted my eyes from anyone who’s not within driving distance since.

But this man’s email was so incredibly sweet and came at a time when I needed it the most, I just couldn’t help myself from opening the door to the possibility of getting romantically involved with him.

With all the stress and chaos of Court related things I was and am still dealing with, it was so nice to have a little something special for myself.

It started with emails, then graduated to texts and phone calls, and this week we even had a FaceTime date. Without realizing it I’ve started falling for him, but the weird thing is I’m not even freaked out about it.

He calls me baby and it melts my heart.

He’s been there for me during some Court related meltdowns recently. It’s so fucking nice to have someone to lean on during one of the shittiest times of my life.

He is by far the most amazing man I have ever had the pleasure of getting to know.

The most incredible thing is he’s as into me as I am him and he’s not afraid to express it. I seriously thought emotionally available men were an urban myth. He sure proved me wrong.

For the first time in an insanely long time I have no reservations whatsoever about what I’m getting myself into, even though I probably should given the distance between us. Still, I don’t.

Right now I’m living in the moment and enjoying the time we have together. I know the reality is I could get my heart broken, and that eventually the distance between us could leave me incredibly sad, but I also know that heartbreak and sadness are a part of life and don’t last forever.

I also know that the happiness my heart is feeling right now would make any heartbreak and sadness in the future worth it.

I’ve literally been waiting to experience a relationship like this my entire life.

There are no games. There is no hesitation. What there is, is complete openness with one another and it’s truly AMAZEBALLS.

The difference between forming a relationship with someone whose heart is guarded or closed and someone whose heart is completely open to you is MAGIC. I know it sounds completely cheesy and gag-worthy, but it’s true.

I remembered the “dream partner” list I made today and pulled it out to look at it again. As I read it, I realized this man is every single one of those things I put on my wish list above, and probably more.

Thanks, Universe!

He’s coming to visit me next month and I seriously can’t wait to wrap my arms around him. What will happen after that? Who knows.

For once I’m not worrying about what the future holds.

Maybe you really don’t need a destination to enjoy the ride.

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You Can’t Fail A Lesson

Lesson With A Side Of Bacon

I’ve put an insane amount of pressure on myself in the last week without really meaning to.

Between Court last Wednesday and all of my current efforts to prepare myself and my lawyer for trial next month I somehow got it in my head that everything I’ve been going through is a test.

A ginormous, important, holy-shit if I can’t pass this my future(and my son’s future) is fucked, type test.

You can’t fail, Mely. You. Can’t. Fail.

Believing I should treat this like an epic battle with winners and losers was justifiable. I mean, there’s only going to be one winner when it comes to Court. Next month I will either lose residential custody of my son, or I won’t.

Refusing to fail(or lose) seemed like an appropriate course of action to take when this all started.

And the reality is thinking that way has helped me get through some super shitty times thus far when I’ve wanted to crawl under a blanket and give up, but today it also started to take its toll on me.

Most of today was not a good day.

All of my worrying about failing today produced a lot of unnecessary stress. It nearly pushed me to an emotional breaking point – until I finally realized something.

The events of the last few months, weeks and days haven’t been a test of my strength as a woman or a mother.

Well maybe they have been in a way, but there’s a bigger picture here.

Each day I deal with Court and custody related things new assignments are placed before me to work through whether I want to or not. Sometimes I breathe a sigh of relief because I think I’m almost done with it all, but then life says “Lady, get back here – you still have more work to do!”

Resisting or complaining about the extra work is futile.

Today I realized everything that is happening to me right now is a lesson NOT a test.

There’s a HUGE difference between the two and there’s something empowering and calming in knowing that.

You can’t fail a lesson.

If you show up and stay present you learn everything you need to. And when the lesson is over you’ve grown into a better person because of it.

So that’s what I’m going to keep doing.

No more stressing about failing. I’m here to learn.

And chances are if you’re reading this, you are too.

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Trial And Tribulations

BitchFace With Bacon

There’s a war raging behind the scenes of this blog that I’ve touched on briefly in my last few posts. Wednesday I thought it would be over, but instead reality smacked me in the face with the fact that the real war is just beginning.

I’m now facing a trial in a Court of law this December in order to prove my worth as a single mother and to defend my son’s best interests. I did not start this war and it is sad that it has come to this, but it is what it is.

To say that I’m emotionally drained right now would be an understatement, yet each day a superhero type strength washes over me when I need it most.

I have not crumbled. I have not lost my shit.

And even though people may be counting on it I won’t, because my son’s future is at stake.

This trial and war is not about me vs. my ex. At least not to me.

For me, it’s me vs. every circumstance that has been and is currently threatening to fuck up my child’s happiness, emotional well being, and growth into a fully functioning adult.

I am fighting for my son, not my ego.

It is my job as a parent to shield him from the evil & bullshit of the outside world while I raise him to be the type of man that will one day be strong enough to face it alone.

I don’t let my personal feelings about people, places, or things cloud my judgement about what is in his best interests. That is something I’m incredibly proud of.

When I go to trial in December and the last few years of my life are put under a microscope, I’m sure I will have to sit and listen to stories about times that I didn’t bring my A-game as a single mom. But ya know what? I’m okay with that because I know that 100% of every fucking day I am playing to the best of my ability with the cards I am dealt.

I’m not perfect, but I do my best.

Nothing about this trial will be easy.

Not for me. Not for my family. Not for my friends.

All of us now face getting up on a witness stand to testify on my and my son’s behalf. That alone is an incredibly stressful and scary thing.

But we’re standing together and finding strength in each other while the trial and tribulations linger.

I’m truly blessed to have an army of people behind me for support.

And my rockstar lawyer has been a shield through this entire process during the times I’ve needed protection.

I’m in control of my reactions today, and each day moving forward.

No amount of threats or bullying can take that away from me.

I choose to stay present instead of getting lost in the hurtful words of war, or the what ifs and should’ves.

There is a little boy that adores and deserves my positivity & light, and I will not fail him.

Just keep swimming smiling…

and for the moments I need something stronger than a smile to get me through, there’s this:


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Happy 1st Day Of Therapy To Me!!!

Happy 1st Day Of Therapy To Me

You might remember this post I wrote over the summer in which I decided to put on my big girl panties and seek therapy with the hopes of being less anxious and cray cray in romantic relationships, especially the one I was in at the time with Ben.

When I went in search of a therapist that my insurance would cover there were only two options in my immediate area. One was a dude and I really didn’t want to talk to a dude about my dude issues so I chose my second option – only I wasn’t able to get an appointment for almost three freaking months with her.

Waiting three months for a therapy appointment seemed absolutely insane at the time. Even Ben instructed me to, “(For the love of God)FIND ANOTHER THERAPIST!!” OK he didn’t say the God part, but I imagine it was exactly what was running through his mind.

I don’t blame him. If I had been dating me at the time I would’ve dreaded being in a relationship with neurotic me for three more months too.

It seems that three month waiting period was all part of the Universe’s grand plan to reserve therapy for a time when I would use it solely for me instead of in an effort to save a dying relationship.

My first appointment also came when I needed it most as I face an epic battle in Court in just two days – an EXTREMELY emotional thing for me.

As I sat in the waiting room this morning I worried I might not like my therapist, but it almost feels like she was made for me.

I mean she ensured me that I was only slightly neurotic, so she was A-OKAY in my book.

She was also impressed with how many issues I’ve already worked through on my own since becoming a single mom over four years ago. I guess most people start therapy with a whole pile of issues to work through, but I really only have one last hurdle to jump – albeit a large one.

Somewhere in my life something made me decide I was not worthy of a healthy relationship and that I don’t deserve unconditional romantic love, and so time and time again I enter into partnerships that are doomed to fail.

I don’t want to be stuck in this vicious cycle any longer. I don’t want ANYONE to be stuck in this type of cycle.

We all deserve better than that.

I may be starting therapy and doing all of this current work on me for me, but I’m also kind of doing it for you.

I want to come out of this a healthier woman, with insights I can share to help those of you that are currently stuck in the same vicious dead-end relationship cycle as me.

Happy 1st Day Of Therapy To Us!!!



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Breaking The Silence

There’s been a lot going on behind the scenes with me.

A lot of emotions. A lot of stress. A lot of anger. A lot of fear.

Work has been a bit crazy since it’s probably our busiest time of the year.  My son came home from a week away with his dad acting not like himself, so I’ve been dealing with that. Veterans Day reopened old wounds associated with my breakup with Ben, during which I realized I’m still really fucking pissed at him for breaking my heart after I trusted him with it. Toss in a rapidly approaching Court date and custody battle with my ex and last night I broke down in an ugly cry after I tucked my son into bed.

There are times I get completely overwhelmed having to handle so much on my own. Yesterday was one of them.

I know I’m strong. I know I always prevail – but sometimes I just want someone to wrap their fucking arms around me and be the strength I need to keep kicking ass instead of always having to muster up that strength for myself.

I was pretty beat down and exhausted by life until I got a phone call from a friend today that made me laugh and smile.

Thank you, friend.

He reminded me of who I normally am when I’m not drowning in a sea of circumstances.

I’m a fun-loving, adventurous, and driven woman, that nurtures and helps others see the best in themselves.

I’m a devoted mother that takes the time to be goofy, draws cartoon characters on snack bags, and showers her son with affection.

I take risks, open my heart, and repeatedly fall in love with the wrong kind of men – but live to laugh about it.

Basically, I’m gonna be OK once the shitstorm blows over. Why?

Because I stumbled across a Tumblr that is completely devoted to pairing sexy pics of men with their cat counterparts

Screen shot 2013-11-14 at 11.41.08 AM

Screen shot 2013-11-14 at 12.51.24 PM

I can choose to feel sorry for myself by focusing on the tough times, or I can choose to laugh at ridiculously paired  photos of half naked men with cats.

I choose the kiteeehhhhhssss.

Yea, I’m gonna be OK.

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Don’t Settle For Love. Be Amazing Instead.

Be Amazing With Bacon

I often wonder, “Why not me?”

I witness people in love each and every day. They’ve settled down. They lean on each other and have found a way to make the pieces fit.

Yesterday a picture popped up on my Facebook timeline of a woman who had just gotten engaged. She was showing off her ring with a smile so big I couldn’t help but smile back at her, even if there was a part of me that was envious.

A few minutes after my smile wore off I asked myself the same old question, “Why not me?”

Why haven’t I ever fallen in love with a man that fits?

Why am I still out here looking for love and getting my heart broken every time I think I’ve found it?

Am I less worthy of love than the people who have it?


If you’re sitting here asking yourself the same questions, STOP.

You are worthy, but timing is everything.

In the moments that I get jealous I have to remind myself it’s just not my time yet.

This occurred to me recently as I was racking my brain trying to figure out why I continuously choose the wrong type of men. I’m forever drawn to the emotionally unavailable and broken, and for the longest time I thought it was because there was something wrong with me – but now I know that’s not so.

The Universe has bigger plans for me before my forever love can come my way.

Every so often I question what the hell it is I’m doing with my life. Some days I wonder why I’m spreading myself so thin trying to juggle it all as a single mom and so I get it in my head that I should just find happiness in settling down already – even if my instincts tell me I’m meant for more.

I go through periods where I convince myself that my unwavering happiness lies in finding love NOW and settling down – but if I’m really being true to myself I know that’s not the case.

I know I’m not meant to settle down yet. I’ve still got work to do.

You might be saying, “Well what if a guy came along that could love you AND help you fulfill your destiny?”

Well shit, that would be pretty fucking great – but because I give so much of myself when I love someone, I don’t think it would be possible for me to be in a relationship and still reach my life’s purpose.

If I met someone amazing that actually loved me back I would inevitably begin to make them my world, and slowly but surely my drive to fulfill my destiny would fade because I would convince myself that they were my destiny instead.

It’s because of this that when I become impatient and try to force love into my life, it doesn’t work.

And while I get angry about the failed relationships, throw pity-parties and swear off ever trying to love again each time my heart gets broken – the Universe rolls its eyes at me and shakes its head, because it doesn’t understand why I can’t see it’s protecting me from settling and leading an unfulfilled life.

Right now I’m pretty fucking proud of the fact that the Universe chose my destiny to be more than just finding the love of my life and living happily ever after.

I was born to do something amazing before settling down.

And if you’re anything like me, you were too.

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I’m Awesome. And Someday I’ll Believe It Again.

You Are Awesome

I struggle every damn day with an uncontrollable urge to be perfect.

I challenge myself to be perfect in every area of my life.

I want to be: The perfect Mom. The perfect Daughter. The perfect Lover. The perfect Friend. The perfect Marketing Director. The perfect Me for Me.

But twice this week I’ve been reminded of how silly – AND HARMFUL – it is to invest so much time and energy on my obsessive thoughts about perfection.

Yesterday it was when I was in hot yoga class and found myself falling out of a few standing poses I normally rock the shit out of.

When I began to mentally berate myself while angrily gazing at my reflection in the studio’s mirror, my yoga teacher commented to the class on how she’d bean leaning to the left in each pose that day.

“Even I’m not perfect,” she exclaimed with a smile.

If this woman who has been teaching yoga for years could accept a less than perfect pose – why the hell was I beating myself up when I’ve only been doing yoga for a few weeks?

Because I am way too fucking hard on myself, that’s why. I am my own worst enemy. And while I am quick to put other less than perfect people up on a pedestal and honor them like a God, I’ve never put myself up on one.

That’s pretty freaking sad because I’m incredibly amazing and I should really put myself on one someday soon.

Another reminder to stop being an asshole to myself?

The video below was making the rounds of my Facebook today. If you’re a mother that’s ever doubted yourself – and let’s face it if you’re a mom and you haven’t you’re some kind of fucking cyborg – you need to stop whatever you’re distracted with and watch this video RIGHT NOW.

But make sure you have some tissues handy and no one is around to see your ugly cry.

You needed that reminder today didn’t you? I did too.

Why are we all, and I think this especially goes for women, so damn hard on ourselves?

It’s maddening and depressing.

We quickly forget about all the awesome things WE ARE and instead focus all of our attention on the few things we are not.

At what point in our lives does that happen?

My son is 8. He believes with all of his heart that he is the most awesome person on the planet. And I believe it too.

He is happy to tell the world without the slightest bit of hesitation. I’ve seen him write it in every single assignment he’s ever been given when he is asked to describe himself.


And his belief in how awesome he is isn’t pretentious or gloaty. He’s not faking feeling awesome. He just knows he’s awesome and has ZERO doubts about it.

I might declare myself awesome here in a blog post, or even tweet about how fucking brilliant I am – but most days the thoughts swimming around my head are telling me otherwise.

You’re not awesome because you lost your patience with Aidan today.

You’re not awesome because that client wasn’t happy.

You’re not awesome because your last boyfriend wasn’t able to love you.

You’re not awesome because you have cellulite on your thighs.

These are the things I shout at myself in my head, that drown out my praises for all the awesome things I AM.

I want to be more like my son. I want to wholeheartedly believe that I’m awesome again with ZERO doubts.

I’m going to try really hard to stop beating myself up over the next few weeks. And even when I start to beat myself up, I’m going to forgive myself for it – because that’s part of who I am too.

Every time I start to harp on an imperfection or something I am not, I am going to shift my thought to something about myself that I love.

Then maybe one of these days I’ll find myself believing I’m awesome again, without even trying.

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30 Days Made A MILFier Me: A Non-Sponsored Post

30 Day Nutritional Cleanse Results

A little over a month ago I decided it was time for a change.

Post breakup I self-medicated with booze and sweets and cheese and carbs, trying to dull the pain of my broken heart – which worked rather well until the morning I went to get dressed and  could barely button my jeans.

That brought on a whole new kind of pain involving a lot of self-loathing and judgement about what I’d done to my body.

I was not at all happy with what I saw when I looked in the mirror that day.

Yes, that’s me and my Buddha belly in the Day 1 picture above. Womp Womp.

On my quest to cease the self-loathing and get MILFy again, I decided to embark on a new weight loss journey – A 30 Day Nutritional & Fat Burning Cleanse that a friend of mine had semi-recently started and had AMAZEBALLS results with.

During my 30 Day Cleanse I was not allowed to partake in the following:

Soda/Diet Soda/Sugary Drinks/Vitamin Water/Gatorade/Red Bull/Crystal Light (Basically I couldn’t have sheeeet aside from water and green tea – Have I mentioned I USED TO HATE WATER)
Cold Cuts
Processed or Frozen Foods
Artificial Sweeteners
Salad Dressings with No Fat, Low Fat, or that are HIGH in sugar
NO Dairy
NO fruit, except green apple(Who likes the green ones anyway, damn it!)
NO Peas, Carrots, and Corn
NO Pork or Red Meat

I know what you’re thinking, because I was too.

What the hell could I have?

Well for Breakfast & Lunch I got to drink these bangin program shakes (The Vanilla became my fav) that kept me full and aided in ridding my body of toxins and other crappy jazz. I also took program supplements throughout the day to flush my body of fat and anything else that had been hindering my previous weight loss efforts.

Each night I got to enjoy a healthy dinner between 400-600 calories containing the following approved foods:

Raw Almonds (6-8 only)
All vegetables except peas, carrots & corn
Tomatoes, beets, beans and legumes
Olive Oil
Sushi with Brown Rice (NomNom)
Brown Rice
Sweet Potatoes
Pasta – but only if it is Quinoa Pasta or Ezekiel Pasta
Ezekiel Bread or Wraps

I also got to throw in some sensible snacking throughout the day using the above list as well as some additional program goodies (think snack bars, energy shots).

Doesn’t sound too bad, right?

I forgot to mention the part where 4 days out of the 30 I also had to do a two day  ”Deep Cleanse” , where all shakes and real food were replaced with special supplements to completely cleanse my system.

Sweet Baby Jesus, that wasn’t easy for me – but I FREAKING DID IT ANYWAY BECAUSE I’M AWESOME. The results I achieved during my two deep cleanses astonished me.

I guess there’s something to be said for flushing your body out for two days.

Maybe you’re stillwondering why I even thought about giving up my beloved booze and torturing myself in the above ways, but the thing is my fabulous friend I mentioned earlier in this post who had been on this particular Nutritional Cleansing Program for two months before me had incredible results.

In 60 days she dropped 37lbs & 7 inches off her stomach. Her BMI went down from 33.7 to 28.6!!!! She had more energy and better sleep.

But the most important change I saw in her is how HAPPY she was. Since I hadn’t tried the program yet I wasn’t sure whether it was the products on the program or just feeling confident from all that weight loss,  but she was literally glowing…


Hence my deciding to give up Dirty Martinis & more for a month in an attempt to get my sexy back.

I started my nutritional cleansing journey thirty-days ago, pretty snarky and pretty skeptical. After all, thirty-days doesn’t seem like a long enough time to make any sort of real progress in transforming your body, right?

To be honest, lack of quick results is what has hindered most of my efforts to get in shape in the past. If I didn’t see a change right away I’d use it as an excuse to quit whatever diet or exercise program I was doing so I could go back to eating & drinking whatever I wanted while sitting on my ass.

That’s just what I like to do, man!

And while I committed to doing the cleanse for 30 days, I didn’t really think it would work for me. I figured after my thirty days were done I’d maybe have dropped a few pounds and felt a little better about myself, but there wouldn’t be enough reason to continue using the cleansing system.

Thing is, the results were so incredible and I feel so incredible that I don’t want to stop!

Not only has my body changed in thirty-days, but my attitude about my health and fitness has changed too. Sure loving the way I look on the outside is awesome, but I also am in awe of the way I feel on the inside.

My mind is clearer, my moods are happier, and my energy levels are more consistent throughout the day – and that’s with ZERO caffeine for the last 30 days. Coming from a coffee addict like me that sounds insane, but most days I don’t even miss it.

In just 30 days of nutritional cleansing I lost 11.4 pounds and 12 inches from my body – 6 of those inches were from my waist.

As I look at the picture on the top of this post, I really can’t believe the transformation that occurred in only a month.

I fit into my Size 8 jeans again without having to fight my way into them – they’re actually starting to get a little loose!

I’ve come to look forward to the “clean”meals I have each night for dinner. Searching for new & healthy recipes and preparing them for myself and my son has reminded me how much I love cooking.

Avoiding dairy and experimenting with herbs and spices made me realize I don’t need to drown everything in CHEESE for it to taste amazing.

Exercise wise, few things bring me more joy than sweating and pushing myself during my 90 minute Bikram Yoga class once a week. I’d actually love to do it twice a week if I could somehow find the time.

I have about 9 more pounds to lose before I reach my goal weight, but I’m confident that continuing this nutritional and fat burning cleanse will get me there.

Let’s see where the next 30 days takes me…

If you want to join me CONTACT ME and I’ll send you more info about the system I’m doing and where you can get your MILF on ;)

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