I deleted my OKCupid account this evening in an attempt to be less reckless – this is after recently trying to date (I use the term loosely) two different men I met on the online dating site.
One was the guy I talked about in my last blog post, that seemed like he could be great for me, until he turned into a Stage 5 Clinger before we even went on our first date.
No seriously, he even started a blog about me to, in his own words: “record my thoughts and some of our firsts as a surprise to her, and share my feelings with what could be one day a love I will never let go of.”
Let me reiterate, this was BEFORE our first date even happened. That right there was a HUGE RED FLAG FOR ME.
Another red flag? He spelled the word perspective wrong in the url he created for his blog.
I don’t mean to be picky, but if you’re trying to woo me with a blog about how you feel about me before we even meet in person, please know how to use a dictionary.
After several days of talking to him I pretty much knew he wasn’t right for me, but I also could tell he had a good heart (albeit a little crazy) and me having a good heart as well (also sometimes crazy) I didn’t want to hurt him. I went back and forth for awhile over which scenario would be better – going on the first date and then pulling the “fade away” or canceling the date all together even though I knew he was looking forward to it.
Eventually I decided canceling the date was the most mature thing to do, and so I did in the best way I knew how. I was sweet, I was gentle and I tried to explain it as one of those “it’s not you, it’s me” type of speeches via text – but then homeboy pretty much went batshit crazy on me afterwards so I guess I couldn’t win.
Turns out there really is no easy way to break-off a date with someone without hurting their feelings. Alas, I tried.
Next up was a man who just got out of a LOOOOOOOONNNG relationship. I didn’t know he was only a month out of his ex moving out of the home they shared when I agreed to go on a date with him, but if I had that red flag would’ve surely convinced me to not even entertain a conversation with him.
But not knowing that meant I did go on an actual date with him and I truly had a great time. We had good chemistry, the conversation flowed and we ended things with a heavy makeout session in his car, which nearly had me ripping his clothes off.
Look, it’s been two months since I’ve been kissed like that MMMmmmmmkay?
I know you’re probably saying to yourself, “Wow, Mely! Sounds like you had an awesome first date. You must’ve been smitten!”
For all intents and purposes it was an AWESOME first date, but when I woke up the next day there were no butterflies. There was no giddiness or spark, or uncontrollable urge to fall all over him.
Franky, I was kind of numb.
There was lust, but there was no desire to picture us driving away in a car followed by a trail of tin cans, with a big “Just Married” sign beaming from the back window.
That was my first clue I might not be completely healed from my breakup with Ben or ready to date ANYONE. Period.
Buuuuut, I decided to keep pushing myself forward and went on a second date with him anyway.
It was also a great date. I went to his place and he cooked me dinner and gifted me some AMAZING bacon novelties.
His dogs raped my face with their tongues, and then he raped my face with his tongue, and we were all just one big rape-y family!
But when I drove home after the face raping that night there were still no butterflies, which was my second clue that I might not be completely healed from my breakup with Ben or ready to date ANYONE. Period.
I don’t like when people are reckless with my heart, so I certainly don’t want to be reckless with anyone else’s.
This guy expressed countless times during our conversations how much he was into me, and as much of an ego boost as it was, and as much as I wanted to keep trying to be the person he deserved to be in a relationship with, I also didn’t want to hurt him.
After all, my last relationship was basically a three month scenario of me being head over heals for someone who felt ZIP for me and when that ended and the reality set in that our hearts were in two completely different places, our three month relationship felt like a lie.
It still does.
I didn’t want to lead this guy on, down that same kind of path, so I told him it wasn’t a good idea for us to see each other anymore, because the truth is I shouldn’t be dating ANYONE. PERIOD.
This is also why I canceled my OKCupid account.
I’ve been pretty reckless with my heart over the years. Sure, many men have been reckless with it too, but ultimately I am the one to blame for most of the pain I’ve dealt with from love lost.
Especially the pain I’m still dealing with from this last breakup. God, it still hurts. Tears are streaming down my face right now as I type this.
While I’m not the only one to blame, I was extremely reckless when I opened my heart and soul up to Ben. I underestimated his issues and refused to believe he was incapable of loving me. I pushed and pushed and pushed him some more to keep trying to love me, giving him all I had to give while I waited.
That was reckless.
And now I’m paying the price.
For now I’m done dating. I’m done looking for romance. Right here and now I’m choosing happiness and awesomeness and singleness because none of those things have ever broken my heart.