I didn’t know how I was going to get there, so it was all very trial and error. I made a lot of mistakes, but in those mistakes I also enjoyed the hell out of my life.
I found a freedom I’d never known while I stopped caring about other people’s feelings and focused solely on my own.
I can look back now and see that was selfish. But I was so completely drained from giving so much of myself to other people — never taking time for myself, that I impulsively threw up my hands and completely turned my back on the me everyone knew.
In no longer harboring guilt, I finally felt alive.
I said whatever I wanted. I did who and whatever I wanted. I lived everyday like it was my last, never worrying about the future.
After being miserable for so long I just wanted to have fun.
But in doing so carelessly my life became a bit of a trainwreck and I also hurt a lot of people that loved the old me.
Two years passed before I finally opened my eyes to the person I’d become. And when I did I knew I was not being true to myself. I also knew I was not being the best Mom I could be and that had always been important to me.
In those two years I’d thought I’d come so far, but all I’d really done was run around in circles convincing myself I’d gone somewhere.
So I cut the shit and I calmed the fuck down. I made amends to the people I hurt and I made a list of goals for myself to get me where I wanted to be.
I’ve charged through that list of goals at a record pace in the last year. And each time I’ve crossed one goal off I’ve added a new one to the list to take its place.
Goals are what seem to keep me sane; they keep me moving forward, but they’re also what keep me from stopping to enjoy how far I’ve come.
I’ve become so busy that I often forget how to enjoy life. And I need to remember. Because when I don’t I get really burnt out. And when I get burnt out I get resentful of all the people who don’t work as hard as I do. And when I get resentful I begin to feel sorry for myself, spiraling downward into this completely unhealthy place.
“In between goals is a thing called life, that has to be lived and enjoyed.”
A really smart person reminded me recently how important it is to make time for myself. Even if it’s three hours a week, I’m worth it.
It’s a delicate balance trying to juggle it all as a single mom without completely losing your shit. Over three years in and I’m still trying. But I’m determined to figure it out.