Yesterday I wrote about my recent trip to Cougar Town.
I made jokes about mine and my date’s age difference online, offline to my friends and family, and even to my actual date because jokes are often my way of hiding my insecurity – which makes me kind of a moron.
That’s some self-depricating bullshit right there…
The thing is I’m not normally an insecure woman. I’m sure that came across on my online dating profile and was what initially caused my date’s attraction to me.
When I go on a first date with a guy I can usually hold my own. I’d like to think I’m talkative, fun and confident – but there was something about going on a date with a guy more than ten years younger than me that made me super nervous.
Some of it was probably because it was new territory for me – who doesn’t get butterflies when they’re doing something for the first time?
But more of it was my obsessing over our age difference and what that age difference meant. As much as I wanted to stay in the present during our date I found myself thinking about the future and whether or not he was boyfriend material – which caused me to be more distant and quiet than I would’ve liked.
At one point on the date he even asked me what I was looking for in a relationship and I found myself flustered as I tried to explain for fear of putting too much pressure on him and scaring him off.
Why the hell did I care so much about scaring him off?
I kept thinking of how my ex was only 23 when I got pregnant and how he’d always resented me for it and how could I expect this adorable and carefree guy of the same age to ever be serious about getting into a relationship with me when I have a 7-year-old.
Sitcoms and movies featuring May/December relationships that were purely physical played over and over again in my mind before and during the date – completely messing up my confidence vibe.
It wasn’t until he held my hand towards the end of the date that my insecurity was finally replaced by sparks – and when those sparks flew our age difference didn’t cross my mind.
I wish I’d focused more on having a good time the ENTIRE time instead of stressing about my relationship goals, because age difference shouldn’t matter.
Hopefully I’ll get a second chance to be more playful, open and confident on a second date.
Because the truth is we have a lot in common, share some of the same interests, and I really liked his fine young(er) ass!