I’ve put an insane amount of pressure on myself in the last week without really meaning to.
Between Court last Wednesday and all of my current efforts to prepare myself and my lawyer for trial next month I somehow got it in my head that everything I’ve been going through is a test.
A ginormous, important, holy-shit if I can’t pass this my future(and my son’s future) is fucked, type test.
You can’t fail, Mely. You. Can’t. Fail.
Believing I should treat this like an epic battle with winners and losers was justifiable. I mean, there’s only going to be one winner when it comes to Court. Next month I will either lose residential custody of my son, or I won’t.
Refusing to fail(or lose) seemed like an appropriate course of action to take when this all started.
And the reality is thinking that way has helped me get through some super shitty times thus far when I’ve wanted to crawl under a blanket and give up, but today it also started to take its toll on me.
Most of today was not a good day.
All of my worrying about failing today produced a lot of unnecessary stress. It nearly pushed me to an emotional breaking point – until I finally realized something.
The events of the last few months, weeks and days haven’t been a test of my strength as a woman or a mother.
Well maybe they have been in a way, but there’s a bigger picture here.
Each day I deal with Court and custody related things new assignments are placed before me to work through whether I want to or not. Sometimes I breathe a sigh of relief because I think I’m almost done with it all, but then life says “Lady, get back here – you still have more work to do!”
Resisting or complaining about the extra work is futile.
Today I realized everything that is happening to me right now is a lesson NOT a test.
There’s a HUGE difference between the two and there’s something empowering and calming in knowing that.
You can’t fail a lesson.
If you show up and stay present you learn everything you need to. And when the lesson is over you’ve grown into a better person because of it.
So that’s what I’m going to keep doing.
No more stressing about failing. I’m here to learn.
And chances are if you’re reading this, you are too.